Random Toughts

It doesn’t trouble me that the US is such a fat nation. But if we could get the rest of the world to start eating a cheeseburger or two, we could fatten them up. Then wouldn’t it be fun to make fun of those fat asses!!!

I think people that don’t like hot dogs are obviously very troubled and should not be allowed to eat mustard on anything

I remember waiting for my mom to pick me up from the movies when I was a kid and thinking to myself, if I new she was going to be this late, I would have seen a later movie. But what the hell would I have done until the movie started? I wasn’t a very smart kid.

I wish I could have met the guy who coined the WORD "fart." I’ll bet he had a few more up his sleeve. You know he had a few that were even better.

If I was a cat, and someone threw me off the roof to see if I would land on my feet, I would flip twice and land on my back. Just to piss them off.

Being in a band is fun. But I’ll bet being in a band of pirates was fun at times as well. While I’m on the subject; Isn’t "Walking the plank" a lot like walking off the diving board at the pool, only without all of the chlorine you get up your nose.

When people misspell my name, it doesn’t really make me mad. But if I had the chance I would pee in their milk shake. Not because I meant to, because I don’t know how to make a milk shake.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but they will watch you play ball with yourself for hours while you are trying.

I buy myself something nice for Christmas every year whether I have been good or not. Once I bought myself a pellet gun as an early gift. Then I sat outside and waited to pop a cap in Santa when he showed up. He’s a chicken shit!!!

Whoever said that drinking and driving don’t mix wasn’t entirely correct. They actually mix, just not very well.Unless you are looking to drive into a wall and not remember it the next day; then they mix just fine.

I wish I had started playing the guitar instead of with myself when I was a kid. Maybe then I would be a better player and I would still have both testicles.

The whole idea of trading beads for a look at a girl’s breast is somewhat intriguing. It seems like both the flasher and the one being flashed get the short end of the stick. If both went into a strip club, the guy could see boobs for free and the girl could walk with like $700 a night instead of 75 strings of beads that will hang from a coat rack and remind her that she should never drink vodka again.

I think ice cream was doing just fine before someone started putting candy and cookies into it. Now it is like the crack cocaine of dessert food. I am so addicted and I blame Ben and Jerry. Those sons-a-bitches. PHISH FOOD is delicious.

Just to set the record straight. I never said I didn’t like "fish." I said "Phish." I’ll bet I would like both a lot better if I smoked pot. Since I don’t, I am sticking with tuna.

My parents don’t remember the same things about my childhood that I do. Usually when they say, "remember this," or "remember that," I always say "no." Then I say, "remember how mad you guys got when I peed in the chimney and pierced my ear on the same day?" And they say "no." I wonder if I was raised by imposters while my actual parents vacationed in the tropics. Maybe my folks stopped in for a day or two every once in a while; just to make sure the imposters were doing a good job. They really had me and my brother fooled. I wonder what the imposters are doing in retirement. I really miss them.

I wonder why no stick figures are overweight?

I was so glad when I found out that masturbation is normal. I thought I was going to be the only kid with hairy palms. That didn’t really worry me. I don’t want to offend the hairy-palmed people of the world. You look fine. It looks really good on you. What does it feel like to pet a dog?

I have forgotten just about everything I learned in school except for the Pledge Of Allegiance. And now they are changing that. 13 years with nothing to show for it. It WAS a great place to meet chicks though.

By the time I was big enough to fight back against my older brother, he was old enough to be arrested for assault if he hit me. Torn, I took my beating like a man. But, I stopped letting him fart in my face when I was 13.

I don’t see anything wrong with going out with a girl because her mom is attractive. But, if her dad kicks your ass, don’t blame me.

Is it me or did TV used to really suck. And why is it that I didn’t think Melissa Joan Hart was hot when I was a kid; and now when I see her on TV its better than porn.

You know, no one is born a menace to society. That shit takes work.

The Statue Of Liberty looks a lot smaller in person. TV really does add a few pounds.

Whoever had the idea to milk cows was probably some pervert. I mean, what was his motivation. "Those calves may be onto something. Martha, hold Bessie still. I’m gonna give it a try." That’s just bad. I’m glad milk comes in bottles now. That’s a long way to bend down, and I’ll bet it stinks under a cow.

Is the guy who shot John Lennon still alive? Let’s go cut that guys balls off.