You'll Discover That Casual Friends Kept Notes in Their Pockets to Remember Your Name

I've made the official decision to go down and attend school at Purdue next year. I have to say that I am thoroughly looking forward to getting out of this town and experiencing college life for real. Not this, drive 20 minutes to a wipe ass excuse of a campus. I'm also looking at what the hell I'm going to change my major to when I get down there. I thought about it long and hard and what can I really do with an enlgish major?? I can become a teacher or work for the government. I wouldn't mind being a teacher, but I just would like to have a job where I make more of an income than that of a teacher. As far as the government goes...what the hell could I do for them that they can't do for themselves?? I guess I could become a write, but I'm not going to shit myself. I'm not, nor will I ever be, good enough to be an author.

So, that leaves me with basically becoming what I was last year. I will most likely go down there and enroll into the ol' engineering program again. Either that or I will just go the simply route and just settle with being an electrician. Or something along the lines of that. Not only will it be better income in the long run, but it will finally shut my dad the fuck up about me doing something with my life. Christ knows I'm sick of that shit.

I hung out with Becca tonight. We talked about life and love and everything in between. Which I found really interesting because, no offense to her, she just doesn't semm like the kind of person I could do that with. It was interesting to say the least. Shes really the only person have seen since Friday. She made mention how Chelsea came into Target with one of her friends the other night. Becca told her I was working and she should go visit. It would've been a nice visit, if she did that is. I tried calling her, but shes blowing me off again. I can't say that I'm surprised. I don't know if its another attempt on her part to finally just push me out of her life or what the fuck. And I'm beginning to think...maybe I should finally just give up. Everyone else seems to have, why am I sticking around?? I'll tell you why, because we've seen too much shit and been through too much together for me to just be like "Ok, we don't hang out anymore, thats cool." I don't work that way. Its just another one of those times where I sit here and question...what the fuck?? Plus I just find it funny how the 'peppy' fake choir people she used to say that she hated so much, is pretty much what she has become. Not thats shes become it, its just all she knows/ hangs out with. She says she has changed, but has she really?? Is she really a different person, or just different for them?? I don't know. I've tried to make some sort of contact. All I'm saying is, now don't wonder why you don't hear from one of your closest friends for a month. Its a two way street.

I think thats a sufficient amount of bitching and sharing insight for the morning. Hope everything goes well. See you sometime in the future. If I don't...you'll see me in the past. Either way, I'll see you, you see me, we'll see something. Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.

Waking Up Without You is Like Drinking From an Empty Cup

It just doesn't seem to quench my thirst.

Once again, it has been ages since I have looked at my blog here or even considered making a post on it. Up until this very moment in time right now. Everything once again has changed. 1: I never really liked Lauren again. I just started liking her because she was showing me some sort of attention, which I was willing to capitalize on and jump all over. Is that really what I want though?? To settle like that?? No. It isn't. At the same time would it be so bad?? The more I think about it, do I get pissed at people who settle because they just want something...or do I get pissed because they aren't settling with me. Its odd. I'm not sure where I stand on that one.

In case you haven't guessed by now, this is going to be a happy rant about life and love. Big fuckin surprise.

What happened to the good old days of just being content with driving around, listening to music, going back to a house to relax and watch a movie, and just cuddle?? Enjoy the company. Seriously. Theres no one I have found around here that is willing to do that with me. Not a single God damn person. All I really ask for is a girl who digs me, is actually going somewhere with their life, good taste in music, dark sense of humor, and is just ok with not going out all the time and instead staying in to watch a movie and being happy about being alive and with eachother. Whys that so hard??

There is no one like that in my life. There are only 2 people I could think of off the top of my head in this very moment that I would date. 1: Suzie, that would just be too damn weird though. So it really doesn't count. 2: Chelsea, she is pretty much awesome and fills every qualification...but shes not an option. Been there before. Doesn't work out. The only qualification she lacks is the whole "has to dig me" part. Summed up, its not a problem of me dating her as much as it would be her dating me. So basically after those 2 options it boils down to...fuck. Just plain and simple. Fuck.

I'm not really bitter about anything. I don't think relationships are terrible, on the contrary, I think they are lovely. I just wish I was in one. I don't hate women by any means. Everytime I claim that I'm going to join the celibate life, I'm never serious. I know I'll find something sometime in someplace...I'm just tired of waiting for it. Roll out the dice onto the board as I play love's favorite past time, the waiting game. The kicker of it is, I don't like playing. Its like in elementary school when kids poke and prod at you to play baseball or basketball and you don't want to. Why not?? I don't want to play because I'm not good at it, alright. You happy?? You stupid ass kids. I don't wanna play alright?? Let me just go over here and do something I'm good at. Now the thing about playing any other games is that you have to find one of those people thats not already playing with the other kids. Thats all I want. I want to find someone to play with me. As dirty as it sounds. Just go with it. I'm tired of playing the waiting game like everyone else. I want to start my own game. I want to be like, " Hey, I'm going to go over here and play tetherball. I'd love it if you would come play with me." That would be all too perfect. Just asking for a simple game and waiting for "I'd love to."

It doesn't take a reason to love someone,but it does to like someone. You don't love someone because you want to, you love someone because you are destined too. It's because you fall in love with them, that you then try to find a reason, but you always come up with the answer, there is no reason. When someone asks you why do you like me?? You have to have the answer. Its when you love someone that you can't explain anything. The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. I'm waiting to be someones accident.

Where Did I Leave Off??

Oh, I remember...the beginning.

Its funny to look back and see how I mentioned Lauren in my very first post ever on this blog. In 2 months I will have had this running for 2 years. I haven't used it to its full potential, in fact I have neglected it for quite some time. I think its for the simple fact that I used to update daily on my small nothings. Somewhere down the line blogger became the knowledgable, wise posting place. I had nothing of the sort to say. I guess I just buckled under the pressure of writing something meaningful and life changing. Thats not what this is about though. Why can't I just put my thoughts on here without changing anyones life?? Is a reflective source. Its my past. Its my present. Its my future. This is my circle of time.

Its been an occurance of strange feelings as of late, and surprisingly enough they aren't all coming from me. I'm not sure if Lauren is toying with the thought of having feelings for me in her head. Tell tale signs point to yes, but at the same time I've been through the tell tale signs before. The only thing that led to was me being alone and her dating Paul. What I'm trying to say is this, I'm not about to get my hopes up again. There is no chance in hell. Would it be great, of course, it would be fantastic. I'm not expecting anything. What happens, happens. What it becomes, if anything, is what it is. It would give me a great feeling of achievment. Even if it is 2 years after the fact. It all comes back to that chemical reaction that you experience with another person. Thats something you can't change. Chelsea was right in this statement. Your chemical link to a person cannot be altered by mere personality flaws.

I know some don't understand why I ever liked Lauren, hell, even why I still do. They don't have to. I know I may sound like a hypocrite for all of the crap I gave Chelsea for liking Ian. In all honesty though, I think Lauren is better than Ian. A lot better. I'm told I need to find someone with a great taste in music, movies, books, can carry intellectual conversation and what not. I'm by no means a snob though. I can date a girl who listens to rap and show tunes and country. As long as they are cool with the fact that I listen to what I like and not have a problem with it. They don't have to read Faulkner, Salinger, or Kerouac. Believe it or not it is possible to have a smart conversation without discussing time travel, speed of light, music, or politics. Its just a feeling you get when you are with someone. The feeling of being unknowingly overjoyed and just surrounded by the company of this person. Its sitting around all day wanting and waiting to talk to them just because it makes you smile to hear their voice. Its the person you fall for. Its who they are, not what they do.

I apologize for not having anything else for you. I will say this, it would be amazing to go somewhere with this, but at the same time...it is what it is. For the record speaking my opinion: I think she should break it off with Doug for her own well being. Having parents who yell at you and expect you to take care of their kids/other things, life actionless boyfriend, not to mention the fact he fondles other women and coaxes them to strip for him while they are drunk, isn't exactly someone I'd like to see her with. I'm sure at one time Doug appreciated her...I just don't see that anymore. I see two people who have only known one thing for the past year and a half of their lives...eachother. Two people who are afraid to embrace life and think "Hey, maybe theres more to this than you and me." There is a difference between what feels right...and what is right. It is a thin line indeed, so thin that they can in fact be one in the same. You have to ask yourself, am I walking the right line or just the dashed one because it looks familiar to me. Who knows.

Clean slate...cut, rewind, back to where I left off. Right where I started. Thats perfectly fine by me.

You Can't Second-Guess Ineffability, I Always Say

So here I am, its been a good solid half a year since I've made a post on this blog of mine. I don't even know if you can count an emofied Furby as a whole hearted effort. In fact, don't. I just think its ironic that I was the one who started the blog trend amongst my friends and then we all just abandoned them. To think that people believe that no one reads this anymore, thats pish posh. I'm just saying that to add a little light note to this before I start getting bitter, honest, and even a little hated. You ready?? Here we go.

Quick sum of of what has happened in the past year in a half (not in any specific order):

• I had a girlfriend for 2 months and then she broke up with me
• One of my best friends dated my best friend
• I berated him as a human being for it and trust will never be the same between us.
• My friends broke up, she can't deal, he is fine.
• I've caught up with many old friends and have been questioned why I never get over people I am in love with.
• I had 2 new jobs.
• Attended meaningless college.
• I haven't changed

Here's where the bitterness begins. I can understand heartbreak. Believe me or not, I do. It passes. I can't stress the fact enough that it will pass and you will be fine. Don't question it and say you won't be. I refuse to believe that the worst thing to happen to someone is when your ex breaks up with you. Its all about hanging on and denial. Its over. Believe it or not...it is over. Enjoy what you had, not what you're missing. You're going to get your heart broken more than once in your life. I'd be lying if I said they get easier to cope with as you go. I guarentee though, this, is not the worst one. Don't spend so much time waiting that you just let life pass you by, if thats what you want...fine.

I can safely say that the worse thing to happen to you is not a boy or girl breaking up with you. I'm pretty sure a doctor telling you that you are going to be in a wheel chair by the time you're 35 is worse than that. You can argue with me, but you are wrong. I can say that this is the first time in a long time that I have been genuinely afraid of something. I am deathly afraid that I have MS. I am haunted by the fact that someday I will be in a wheelchair and unable to walk because there is a disease eating away at my nervous system. That is something to be scared and confused about. A broken heart will eventually mend, nerves in a spinal column can't magically fix themselves.

Whether I want to admit it or not, Scott and I will never be friends like we were ever again. Its just a fact.

The more that I think about it, I'm going to be sad beyond expression when Chelsea goes away to college. I can understand she needs to get away from everything. I'm going to be brutally honest when I say that a lot of it can be considered "running away". At least in this point in time. She may hate me for that, but thats alright. I know she will miss me, but I just have to tell something that no matter how much she does...I will not be able to express how much more I will miss her. Imagine the right half of your heart just ripping off from the left and leaving. Its like that. Just a nice gaping hole to smile about every morning.

Aside from select family members, I am tired of people calling me Booch. I just am. I'm tired of hearing that "Booch" is an amazing human being, "Booch" deserves to be happy, "Booch" is a role model. For once, I'd like to hear someone believe that Brandon deserves to be happy. I've grown to hate Booch. If I could kill anyone with my bare hands. It would be this Booch fellow. I've always liked Brandon, its a nice name.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma or limbo. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed: and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I fail and keep trying. Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. As I look back on all that's happened...growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever...and whatever the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you'll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.

Emo Furby

Rendered Thoughts From Rendered Parchment

Have you ever thought that the night could be hungry? Like it wants to eat you up? Thats the feeling I get sometimes. I don't want to move because if I do that, I won't want to stop and I'll get all wrapped up in some crazy shit that I won't be able to deal with. But the night, it seems, is always there, waiting around, looming over me. Its the feeling I get when I'm in my room at night. I want for something, but I don't know what and I feel so isolated but at the same time I think I could run right through the wall if I really wanted to. No matter what I do I think I'm wasting time when I think I should be getting on to the real thing, but I don't know what the hell that is. I tell myself that something's coming. I don't know what, but it's coming...but it never does and I knew that it wouldn't in the first place. But to think that something's coming makes me feel like living my life to the fullest a little more. I sit here and I can hear all this noise and shit outside and I wonder if any of it's for me, if any of those noises are suppose to be telling me something. I listen intently. I don't want to miss the right one. What a drag, but I don't know what's dragging. The night is the only constant. But that doesn't help much right now.

Sometimes I think of myself as this guy holding on to a propeller that is going full speed. My body twists and turns as I hold on for dear life. Pulled along. In motion but not really in control. If I close my eyes, I can see myself and this propellar go ripping by, the propellar cutting a path through dense underbrush and tree limbs. The propellar does fine. My body gets mangled as it slams into tree trunks, branches, and bushes. I need to make friends with the machine. I need to understand the power, to harness it and direct it, not be dragged along by it. I need to become one with the machine. I've got to stop holding onto the monkey's tail. I must get on the monkey's back.

I could say goodbye to this blog, but theres too much to let go of. It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because its so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.

Another Weekend Away From Home

Yes thats right, I call this home. Granger, Indiana is my home. Its really good to be back here too, not gonna lie. Its really dumb of me to write all about my weekend and how I went to Purdue and what not. I mean think about it. Everyone who reads this, I can count them on one hand, already knows about everything I'm going to put on here. I don't care though, its for my own satisfaction and so I can look back on things in the future and reflect on how my life was going and what I was doing. Its worked as a pretty cool reflecting pool thus far. Once again, I've procrastinated for way too long and my memory is a little sketchy so stay with me. I'll get around to not procrastinating so much...later that is.

Thurs - Was driving aimlessly around in the Osceola area whilst talking to Scott. It was about 1/4 to 10 and I asked him, "If I left now do you think I'd make it down there in time for the radio show?" Sure enough not 10 minutes later I find myself on the toll road again south bound for West Lafayette. I really didn't mind, I love driving, especially at night. Halfway there I realized that Ian and Ben's radio show is on hiatus due to the retardation and blade raped carnage of one Puma hoodie. Oh well. I park at the Aquatic Center and walk the whole 50 feet to Wiley. I see Ian, Ben, Grant, Scott, and Tracker standing outside on a smoke break. I walk up with cigarette in mouth, I don't smoke mind you, and I don't say a word. Scott has a shit eating grin on his face and the other 4 just looked confused as hell. Ben opens up the conversations by saying, "Booch?!...what the hell?". It was hilarious. Ian and Ben both asked me why I was there, looking back on it...I have no idea. I had no reason to be there, none at all. Oh well, if anything its for the sure enjoyment of being with my comrades. So we all say our hellos and go back into Ians room. We just sat there until morning playing video games and watching TV. It was well worth it. Scott and myself decided to kick it back to McCutcheon. We came up with the ass splitting comical idea of writing a song about Dan...having sex. This leads us into Friday.

Fris - We sat in Scott's room trying to decide what the song should sound like. Just to forewarn, we spent pretty much all of Friday writing this song and sleeping. It wasn't too exciting, but it was. Thats makes total sense to me, should make sense to you too. Yea thats right I'm talking to you. About 3 hours into the process, its roughly 8 in the morning and we decide to take a break and go grab some breakfast. We both hit a major case of writers block and figured the only way to get around it was to be fat first. That and the fact that neither of us ate anything the day before. We went and ate, came back, wrapped up the song and played it multiple times to its completion. After laughing our asses clean off, we came to an agreement that in all of its geniousity: It is the greatest song ever written. (Far from the greatest song ever written, but just go with it) By the time we finished it, it was lunch time. Went and ate, came back to the room and crashed for a couple of hours to make up for the 0 hours of sleep the night before. I woke up around 4ish I want to say. Got up, made some phone calls, dicked around online for a while. I was up so early because I had to wake Scott up so he could go to class at 4. He didn't go to class. He's stubborn as hell when it comes to waking up, if you ever try...good fucking luck. So I had killed 3 and a half hours doing absolutely nothing. He was finally fully awake at 8 or so. We killed some more time by practicing the song and just shootin the shit. Around 11 Ben came and picked us up. He had his, what I'm presuming to be, new girlfriend with him. They could just be fuck buddies, I have no idea. Her name is Emily and she is a really cool down to Earth chick. We proceeded to Trackers house where, SURPRISE!!, Ian, Grant, and Tracker are already gone. Jäger and Captain Morgan'll do that to you if you have enough. Scott and myself are too big to get drunk off of what they had, we got majorly buzzed, but no where close to where they were. Ben and Emily really didn't have anything. Ben slept most of the time and Emily just doesn't handle it very well. Fair enough. They all went outside and had a smoke, I stayed inside and had a good half hour talk with Emily. Like I said, she is a really sweet and cool girl. Ben made a good choice. We put on Coast to Coast and slowly drifted to sleep. I fell asleep draped in an Eeyore blanket and using an Eeyore stuffed animal as my pillow. I love Eeyore, the greatest Winnie the Pooh character of all time...he's so emo.

Sats/Suns - I have no recollection of the day what so ever. All I remember is we randomly picked up Glen Bradford while he was walking to the football game. He had no idea where he was, or where he was going for that matter. It was awesome. I remember us playing "3 Seconds of Awkward Fumbling And Then Depression" for Tesh. He laughed and then left the room speechless. Hilarity to the 10th power. Thats the name of the song by the way. Thing is there is nothing depressing about the song at all. Just a funny title, nothing more. Now Saturday night is another story. I drove us over to Cheryl's apartment so we could celebrate Kristie's birthday. It was really good to see the Knevels. They are hands down the coolest parents I have ever been aquainted with. We just shot the shit for hours. ChelC showed up later in the eve, and shortly afterwards, Chuck did as well. It was damn good to see Chuck. I love that kid, he is sooooo cool. He brought over some poker chips and Cheryl, Kristie, Chuck, and myself played Texas Hold Em'. It was a good way to keep myself entertained while Scott and ChelC went for a walk to talk about things. They eventually came back and we played the song for everyone. I left during the poker game and PK took over my spot. We ate supper and played poker again. It was the most fun I have had in a long while. There wasn't a moment that I didn't have a smile on my face. I had to be back home at 1:40 in the A.M. though, for my Steak N' Shake outing with Tess and Jessica. So I give everyone a hug goodbye and make my way home. I get about an hour and 20 minutes away from W. Lafayette when I get a text message from Theresa saying that tonight isn't a good night to go out. I pull over in Merrillville and turn around and head back to Purdue. It was storming like a mother. A lighting bolt struck 50 feet away from my car, the rain was like a freakin monsoon had hit the highway. It was nucking futs. I make it back to Wiley with nothing but fumes in my tank. I head in and everyone goes out for a smoke break. I was left in the room with Scott and a sleeping ChelC. Ben left shortly thereafter. We watched Platoon, damn good movie, and then played more video games. I fell asleep and was woken up at around 6ish so I could give ChelC directions to get home. We all fell asleep after she left and woke up at 4 in the afternoon. Spent 4 more hours doing nothing. I GOT TO SEE RYAN!!! ZOMG!!! I miss that kid like no ones business. It was really damn good to see him. We hung out and watched The Matrix. Ian and Tracker snugglin on the couch, Scott next to them, Grant layed out on the floor, and D-thing and myself lounged in chairs. Just simple plain ol' good times. *sigh*. Ben and Emily showed up as I was making my leave for home. Shame I couldn't stay, but I don't live there. I am nothing but a visitor overstaying his welcome. Had a lovely reflective drive home and now here I am once again.

Nothing too exciting went down yesterday. Ran for a bit, went to Penn and lifted some weights, came home, rented some games with my brohan, went and helpedTheresa clean up her kitchen, came home and chillaxed it. I'm starting to run, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with the way I look now...but getting down to 200 lbs by summertime would be nice. Thats one of me goals for right now. By the way, for any video game buffs out there, Timesplitters: Future Perfect, is fun as hell. 3 thumbs up. Whats funner that fragging your friends in multiplayer mode as a rocket launcher wielding monkey? C'mon...nothing. Theresa is having a Christmas Party in a month or so. I'm highly looking forward to that, I know it'll be a snaptastically bodacious time. I start work at Circuit City tonight, that should be pretty killer, I think I will thoroughly enjoy this job. It looks like I'm finally starting to get a life, about time right? Meh...girlfriend would always be nice, but what can you do? Aiight thats all for now my peeps.

One last thing, check out the band Waxwing. Fronted by the amazing Rocky Votolato, this folk/rock band is easily one of the most emotional and driving bands I've ever heard. Rocky's tradmark raspy voice gives these guys so much power. Lyrically, the songs don't vary much from the folky storytelling of Votolato's solo work, but that's definitely not a negative. Songs like "One for the Ride" are incredibly emotional and soaring, kind of like a wonderful mix of Rocky Votolato's solo work with a harder, more grating U2. This is a wonderful, wonderful band. Thats all. No peace or love today...just a toothy smile. Fine...here, peace and love.