Feelings of Shite

I have come to find that the past couple of days have been really dull and disappointing. Not just for any one particular reason, but for many reasons. I come to find that I do the same thing day in and day out, nothing ever changes. I hate it. I hate the fact that I am ready for a change, but it won't happen. I don't know what needs to change, it just feels like something's missing...something's lost that's not being found. I think I know what it is but I'm not entirely sure...no in fact I'm pretty sure thats what it is. Just thinking to myself. It happens a lot.

Friday was by far a very disappointing day. I discovered two things, one: As mentioned above, there is nothing to do in Indiana. I am extremely fed up up doing the same thing over and over again. Its either we go play pool, go to a movie, or just chill somewhere. Its getting old, fast. We did go to the new Goodwill store in Niles though. I was kind of let down, it wasn't very selective. I did find a nice blazer though. I have to get it dry cleaned, only God knows whats touched it. Besides that Friday was lame. The other thing I discovered, two: it feels like shit to have someone tell you that if you have feelings, they aren't really existant. Kind of like saying that you like someone...then they kick you in the shin and slap you in the face. Nothing I'm not used to though. In fact I knew that it would happen that way, always does. Friday is stamped as official shite.

Back one more day, a good day. It was Lauren's birthday. Ian and myself collaborated to get her some nice useless things. Its the thought that counts right? I like the card we found though, it was nice. We just hung out and had some cake and ice cream. Watched a couple of episodes of Family Guy. I thought it was a marvelous time, then again, for some reason I felt awkward. Really, I started feeling this "emptiness" that night. I was happy, but I couldn't help the nagging feeling of something's not right. Its like the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't. The feeling of what you want is so close...yet so far out of reach. Happy Birthday Lauren.

Rolled out of my bed this morning with a whopping hour of sleep. Had to go to work and wash F-ing dishes. Whoop de doo. Don't get me wrong its fun, I just didn't want to deal with it today. I never noticed how inconsiderate people at work are. They just look out for themselves and do stuff thats suitable for them. Oh Brandon by the way do this for me so I can go home. Does anyone care if I go home...take a guess. I do it too, they say jump I say how high. Letting my fellow employees walk on me, just like the rest of the world. I wish I could be like them, I wish I could find some sweet sap to just be content with every task they're told to do. Just some "guy" who everyone uses to make their shit easier. Personally I don't know why I do things for people anymore. Day after day I just come to realize that the world is just one big ugly mess, with nice guys like me stuck with nothing. Then again what am I, I'm no one special...just that "guy".

Went around with Ian, Scott, Travis, and Ryan tonight. We really didn't accomplish much. I couldn't help but notice that Ian is feeling much of what I am, just plain boredom and sickness of the norm. Nothing happens. We just ran around town trying to find something to do...and found nothing. I did, however, find the first book in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. I have read some of his work, and I love it. These books are hilarious and freaking ingenious. Imagine Monty Python meets Lord of the Rings. It is that good. That my friends is all I have to share for the evening. I leave you with a poem. G'night to you all from just some guy.

There's a man who walks through this world alone
Without a love to call his own
A lonely man, he does not seem
His face may smile and eyes may gleem
For this is just an illusion
In order to hide his confusion
And put aside his dillusions
This man he hides behind happy eyes
No one sees him when he cries
Emptyness is what he feels inside
For happiness theres nothing put aside
...And Alone he cries
Wishing for happy days to come
So there will be no more nights alone
His heart is waiting to share
...A love
With someone which nothing could compare.
He keeps his feelings locked up inside.
.....And alone he cries.
He's had his loves in the past
But they went astray
Thinking now that love won't stay
Now He just lives for that day
.....And alone he cries
I hope happiness for that lonely man
I hope he finds that love to live and share
To find that special one to call his own.
NEVER again to be alone.
Because you see
that lonely man
He is me
...And alone I cry...