The Greatest Glory Is Not In Never Falling, But In Rising Every Time You Fall

I am having trouble with a lot of things right now. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. I don't have to go to school tomorrow. I have been suspended for one day. Sure to a lot of people it may seem like a good thing, but its not. I've had a lot of time to sit and think about things I have accomplished, and things I have begun and still need to finish. I got suspended for having over excessive tardies at school. Many of my friends believe that I don't care and that I don't think its a big deal, when indeed its the exact opposite. I am mature enough to realize the magnitude of what I've done, or lack there of. I am also mature enough to accept the punishment for my actions and the repercussions that are to come with it. These past couple of days have opened my eyes to reality, they have opened up my eyes to happiness. In order to get what I want out of life, I need to begin embracing life. I neglect many problems with my life and let them drift away. Eventually though, I have come to learn that things that drift are never forgotten. I am human, I make mistakes. The question is how many mistakes and how many regrets can one make until they finally understand what they are doing wrong? I've made enough. I am beginning to sense a feeling of concern and anger from those I love. I realize that I don't always make the best decisions for myself, in fact I rarely put myself above others. My kindness is just an inner desire that makes me want to do good things even if I know I will not get anything in return. It is the joy of my life to do them. When I do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything I think, say, want, and do. As of late, putting others ahead of myself has caused me to lose track of what I want and what I need to do. There are many thoughts racing through my head, I am greatly perturbed and discombobulated by these thoughts. My parents are in the process of selling my car. This affects me because now I have no means of transporation. This is causing me to let Whitney down. She depends on me to give her a ride to school in the morning, to take her home. Now I cannot do this simple task. I don't know if it'll make her think any less of me that I can no longer do her this favor. I can only hope that it doesn't, I cherish my friendship with her greatly. I just don't want anything to lessen it. I don't really know what my friends make of all this. I can't imagine that they think anything of it, but I can only wonder. Lauren has showed me concern as well. She believes that I can't say no to anyone and that I let people walk on me. Maybe I do. Am I so blinded by my own kindness that I can't see when people are taking advantage of me? She said a lot of things to me that made sense and helped me see things in a clearer light. My mom has been there for me too. She is the one that is pushing forward to be the best that I can be, she is the one that wants me to be happy. I don't know where I would be without her. The last thing that has been troubling my mind is Caitlin. I care for her a lot, but I don't know how she feels about me. We got into an argument the other night about me letting her just relax on Valentine's Day. She didn't know that I was preparing a big surprise for her. She is just in being mad at me. I would be mad at me too. I am mad at me. I had no intention of making her feel as upset as she was. All I want is for her to be happy. I'm trying to do things for her to let her know that she's amazing and beautiful. It just kind of back fired in my face. Like I said I don't know how she feels about me, I don't know if she's mad. I want to make it up to her. I don't know how, if she lets me, it'll be something spectacular. Maybe I'm just trying too hard for someone who just doesn't feel the same way. I'm doing my best to understand everything. I just want her to realize that I care and if she ever needs anything I'm always here. I've said my peace for the night. Cleared my thoughts, though they are still cloudy. I've had time to think about life and what must be done. I've piled up enough tomorrows, and have found that I have collected a lot of empty yesterdays. I done with that, no more putting off what I feel, no more putting off what I need to do, no more putting off life. I'm beginning to see clearer, and I like what I see.

~Finding My Way~