A Mess To Call My Own

I'm beginning to look like I've been fighting with someone. The dark shades of sleepless nights loom under my eyes. The constant throbbing of life pounding in my head. The bottomless void that fills my soul echoes louder than ever. I used to get knocked on my ass and spring back up. Now, I've found an opponent worthy enough to knock me down and keep me there. He's backed me into a corner and not letting me escape. Giving me just enough time to catch my breath before he swings again. Another hook to the stomach to knock it all back out. Jab to the chest to delay my heartbeat. Waits till I look up, with an evil smirk, uppercut right in the face. Back down on my ass. Looking up to see no opponent there. Using the ropes to hoist myself up to the realization that...I need to quit kicking my own ass. As of late especially. Worried sick about my mom. She had another seizure today. You can almost time it now. What started out as something that I never wanted to see again, now happens everyday. I'm the only one that has seen it happen. Its the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed in my life. I can't imagine the amount of pain and torture that she is going through right now. Its killing me. I'm making it kill me. Just thinking about it all day at school gets me lost in my own mind. I hear nothing,I see darkness, speak nothing but short blurts of nonsense. I don't remember the last time I cried. Not since yesterday. All the hatred, loneliness, sadness just all culminated in my head and I lost it. I broke down. I had no shame in crying either. No one should ever have any shame in crying for someone they love. The anger comes in the form of my dad mostly. He can never be happy, he always has to be bitching about something or yelling at someone. I got into a huge yelling match with him because he was arguing with my mom. I told him to stop and to get his head out of his ass. My mom isn't well at all, and he treats it as if its no thing. He is the most self centered, non caring person I have ever witnessed. I've seriously devoted my life to being the exact opposite of that man. I look like an exact clone, but trust me we are nothing alike. Hes always harping my my ass to get a new job and get a life. I'm worthless. I don't listen to him. I don't listen to blatant lies that are being yelled straight into my face. I've just learned to ignore him and that his calling in life is to be the world's foremost expertise in assholism. My love life is another thing. I have no idea what the hell is going, I wish someone would inform me. Dan posted me a comment not to worry about Valentine's Day. Maybe he's right. Just all stress, thats all it ever is. Not to mention the 3 nights of sleep I've missed out on. Caitlin gave me this stuffed green monkey with a heart and a kiss on the cheek. She made a note that said " Hang in there Brandon <3 Caitlin" That monkey has been my best friend for the past couple of days (not to mention its my favorite color). It meant a lot to me.Just the fact of knowing that if anything goes wrong she'll be there for me, she'll listen to me. Thats really comforting. I did get a good little relief today though. Jonny C wants me to go with him, A Wood, Larry, and Matt Franks to Myrtle Beach on Spring Break. Finally the vacation I've been waiting for. Its going to be one of the funniest ass weeks of my life. The pictures will be questionable though. Trust me on that one. Thats not for a while though. Right now I just need to focus on school and getting my mom back to normal. In a world full of chaos I just ask that anyone who reads this, squeeze in a little prayer for my mom. She needs any praise that she can get right now. I know I have been on my knees every night. Praying to God to leave her be, shes not ready to go, not yet. Alright, I hear the bell ringing, time for me to go round 2 against myself. All this stress has created nothing but a massive mess of torn emotions. A mess I can only share with myself...a mess to call my own.