Interpol/Random Thoughts: Revisited

Went to the Interpol concert last night, and I have to say it was fucking awesome. We left after school to go to Dan's house to grab the tickets and directions. Then we made our grand journey to the windy city. On the way there we stopped by Hardee's. I didn't know how good of an idea this was, cause if I remembered correctly the Hardee's that used to be here in Granger got shut down for health reasons. But, I ate there anyway and it wasn't that bad. I'm just going to skip straight to the concert. It started with the opening band, Q And Not U. They were the coolest opening act I have ever seen. It was three guys. They all did vocals, one of them played drums, one played guitar and bass, and the other played guitar and keyboard. They were freakin great. I especially enjoyed the part where he starting ripping on George W. Bush. I didn't like it because of that, I liked it because it would piss Dan and George off. They were extremely energetic and rockin though. I'm gonna go grab one of their albums. Then there was about a 45 minute setup period before Interpol finally came out. The fans went ape shit. They played all the songs I wanted to hear. I sang my ass off on Slow Hands, Evil, and PDA. Everyone was groovin to the pure awesomeness radiating from the stage. OH!! I forgot to mention that George and Tracy got there early so we got front row baby. It was F-ing badass. The best part was when Sam Fogarino, the drummer, looked straight at us and threw his drumsticks. George caught one and Tracy caught the other. Those lucky bastards. It was so sweet. They came out for an encore and that was the concert. I have to say it was the best one I've been to so far. I've got two more coming up that I'm going to. I'm going to see The Killers in May and Dave Matthews Band in June. I'm pumped. Afterwards we went to a pizza place for some Chicago style deep dish deliciousness. It was by far the best night I've had in a while. We got back to Granger at about 4:30 in the morning. I haven't slept yet...

I was going through my archives and I ran across my random thoughts. I have to say I laughed pretty hard at some of them. For your viewing pleasure I gathered them all and put them right here for a little revisitation. Hope you all find them as entertaining and interesting as I do. So I'll turn up the bright lights and let 'em loose:

It doesn’t trouble me that the US is such a fat nation. But if we could get the rest of the world to start eating a cheeseburger or two, we could fatten them up. Then wouldn’t it be fun to make fun of those fat asses!!!

I think people that don’t like hot dogs are obviously very troubled and should not be allowed to eat mustard on anything

I remember waiting for my mom to pick me up from the movies when I was a kid and thinking to myself, if I new she was going to be this late, I would have seen a later movie. But what the hell would I have done until the movie started? I wasn’t a very smart kid.

I wish I could have met the guy who coined the WORD "fart." I’ll bet he had a few more up his sleeve. You know he had a few that were even better.

If I was a cat, and someone threw me off the roof to see if I would land on my feet, I would flip twice and land on my back. Just to piss them off.

Being in a band is fun. But I’ll bet being in a band of pirates was fun at times as well. While I’m on the subject; Isn’t "Walking the plank" a lot like walking off the diving board at the pool, only without all of the chlorine you get up your nose.

When people misspell my name, it doesn’t really make me mad. But if I had the chance I would pee in their milk shake. Not because I meant to, because I don’t know how to make a milk shake.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but they will watch you play ball with yourself for hours while you are trying.

I buy myself something nice for Christmas every year whether I have been good or not. Once I bought myself a pellet gun as an early gift. Then I sat outside and waited to pop a cap in Santa when he showed up. He’s a chicken shit!!!

Whoever said that drinking and driving don’t mix wasn’t entirely correct. They actually mix, just not very well.Unless you are looking to drive into a wall and not remember it the next day; then they mix just fine.

I wish I had started playing the guitar instead of with myself when I was a kid. Maybe then I would be a better player and I would still have both testicles.

The whole idea of trading beads for a look at a girl’s breast is somewhat intriguing. It seems like both the flasher and the one being flashed get the short end of the stick. If both went into a strip club, the guy could see boobs for free and the girl could walk with like $700 a night instead of 75 strings of beads that will hang from a coat rack and remind her that she should never drink vodka again.

I think ice cream was doing just fine before someone started putting candy and cookies into it. Now it is like the crack cocaine of dessert food. I am so addicted and I blame Ben and Jerry. Those sons-a-bitches. PHISH FOOD is delicious.

Just to set the record straight. I never said I didn’t like "fish." I said "Phish." I’ll bet I would like both a lot better if I smoked pot. Since I don’t, I am sticking with tuna.

My parents don’t remember the same things about my childhood that I do. Usually when they say, "remember this," or "remember that," I always say "no." Then I say, "remember how mad you guys got when I peed in the chimney and pierced my ear on the same day?" And they say "no." I wonder if I was raised by imposters while my actual parents vacationed in the tropics. Maybe my folks stopped in for a day or two every once in a while; just to make sure the imposters were doing a good job. They really had me and my brother fooled. I wonder what the imposters are doing in retirement. I really miss them.

I wonder why no stick figures are overweight?

I was so glad when I found out that masturbation is normal. I thought I was going to be the only kid with hairy palms. That didn’t really worry me. I don’t want to offend the hairy-palmed people of the world. You look fine. It looks really good on you. What does it feel like to pet a dog?

I have forgotten just about everything I learned in school except for the Pledge Of Allegiance. And now they are changing that. 13 years with nothing to show for it. It WAS a great place to meet chicks though.

By the time I was big enough to fight back against my older brother, he was old enough to be arrested for assault if he hit me. Torn, I took my beating like a man. But, I stopped letting him fart in my face when I was 13.

I don’t see anything wrong with going out with a girl because her mom is attractive. But, if her dad kicks your ass, don’t blame me.

Is it me or did TV used to really suck. And why is it that I didn’t think Melissa Joan Hart was hot when I was a kid; and now when I see her on TV its better than porn.

You know, no one is born a menace to society. That shit takes work.

The Statue Of Liberty looks a lot smaller in person. TV really does add a few pounds.

Whoever had the idea to milk cows was probably some pervert. I mean, what was his motivation. "Those calves may be onto something. Martha, hold Bessie still. I’m gonna give it a try." That’s just bad. I’m glad milk comes in bottles now. That’s a long way to bend down, and I’ll bet it stinks under a cow.

Is the guy who shot John Lennon still alive? Let’s go cut that guys balls off.

OK, I admit it. I actually like Huey Lewis and The News. Sue me!!

I don’t really pay much attention to politics. I would register to vote in a heartbeat though if they gave away free cup cakes for a year to everyone that registered. Cup cakes are delicious.

I think the new M&M color sucks. Why did we need another color anyway? They all taste the same, and it just doesn’t look right in a bowl when you add pastels. I went to the M&M store in Las Vegas and they had gray ones. Some little kid barfed all over the M&M display. Everybody just looked around disgusted. So, I got the hell out of there and moved onto the Coca Cola store. I did see gray M&Ms though.

I can only come up with a few flaws in the design of the human body, but, the biggest problem is that we have nowhere to put a ball point pen. If we just had a little pouch, just under the shoulder to keep it we would always have something to write with.

There was this kid I knew when I was growing up. He could turn his eyelids inside out, fart on demand, burp most of the alphabet, and he once dented a locker with his forehead. I wonder if he ever found an outlet for his many talents. He was good.

I once changed a grade on my report card from school with a typewriter so I wouldn’t get in trouble and miss a movie I really wanted to see. I wish I could have seen the future, because I really would have rather been grounded that see the movie after all. It was a piece of shit, and I still have a mark against me for the lie.

The stupidest things I ever did in my life: Once my brother took the blame for dropping a jar of jelly onto a cake my mother had made for a party, when, after all, it was me that ruined the cake. My mom was pretty bent out of shape, but I thought my brother to be such a hero. 10 minutes later, my brother pissed me off and to get even with him, I went and admitted that I had ruined my mothers prized dessert. It took me a few days to realize what a dumb ass I was, but I eventually figured it out and swore to always blame everything on someone else, whenever I get the chance.

If money did grow on trees, I would have been a Lumber Jack…for about a week and a half.

I once broke a promise to myself and have never gotten over it. I just can’t trust me with anything anymore. Not even with the smallest things. This is some serious resentment I have built up towards myself, but it does help to talk about it.

I wonder why pizza is so fucking delicious?

Do you think that the late Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead is still is grateful that he is dead, or do you think he sold out?

Man, I’ll bet Santa Clause gets sick of cookies…I hope that dude is not Lactose intolerant…I always set out a Philly Cheese Steak and a beer…Fat guys gotta have their energy…Last time he came to my house, he ended up past out on the couch watching re runs of Everybody Loves Raymond…Half the kids in my hometown didn’t get presents until the next day, and I think he may have been a bit hung over, because I hear he waited in the sleigh and let the elves take the shit down the chimney…And one of my friends swears he saw him puking down someone’s attic vent.

Speaking of Lactose Intolerant…When did this whole thing come about…When I was a kid, if milk made your stomach hurt, you drank something else…I never heard of Ice Cream making someone fart…I don’t get it…Eat your fucking Oreos and shut up…If you don’t like cheese, pass it down…Oranges give me bumps on my tongue, so I DON’T eat oranges…What a concept…I am Citrus Intolerant…Where are my pills…I have to have an orange in an hour…

I don’t smoke pot…But I sometimes hang around people who do…They always have great snack ideas, and if you are low on cash, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal…If all of your friends are stoned, just start talking about cheese pizza, or graham crackers with peanut butter…You’ll be well on your way to snack heaven in no time at all!!! Don’t forget, they all love dessert as well!!!

I like watching stoned people on Thanksgiving or at a big buffet…If they could move faster, you know they would fight…

Ham Vs Bacon
In America, there is a definite distinction between "Bacon" and "Ham"…The confusing thing happens when you order pizza…"Canadian Bacon", as a topping, means you want "Ham" on your pizza…However, in Canada, "bacon" is "bacon", and "ham is ham", and there is not really an item called "Canadian bacon" unless you are referring to bacon from a Canadian pig…Bring in the UK…A "Bacon" sandwich is a "ham sandwich", and things that have "bacon" on them come with "ham"…For Example, if you order "bacon" on a cheeseburger, you get a slice or two of "ham": unless you are at an American fast food chain, where, of course, "bacon" is "bacon". I am not even sure they make "bacon" in the UK, which is fine with me, because I don’t like "bacon" but I like "ham"…This means in the UK, I like "bacon"...I knew a guy in school named Al Bacon…Kevin Bacon was in Footloose…Jack Ham played linebacker for the great Pittsburgh Steelers of the late 70’s. And I played soccer (football) against Mia Hamm when I was growing up, and she is a big star now…Can someone please help me with this?

Side note: I don’t like bacon or sausage, but I like ham…I like sausage if it is in stuff, like Queso or on a biscuit…I also really like white meat pork, or most pork in Chinese Food or Barbecue…I don’t like Miss Piggy, but the Three little Pigs are OK…Porky the Pig is an Asshole, but that Wilber from "Charlotte’s Web" was "SOME PIG."

I hate being on an airplane and going through a lot of turbulence…I have started dealing with it by pretending I am on a boat, at the lake…Sometimes I even look back and give the water skier the finger…If the flight attendants were in bikinis, and the cabin smelled like sun tan lotion, I would be tempted to pee over the star board side of this puppy while its moving.

Speaking of airplanes…How many people wish they would just have a plane set up somewhere at the airport so we could practice sliding down the big yellow inflatable slide…You put a kiddie pool at the end of that thing, and you have an entire afternoon of fun…AND we are all going to have experience if we ever really need the thing. Remember to take your shoes off. You don’t want to ruin the fun for everyone.

Question for all of the guys out there…Does anyone else go through periods where when you are done going pee-pee, you put yourself up, and a little squirt of pee decides it wants to make a daring escape and places a little wet dot on the front of your pants…I hate when this happens…If it is really bad, you have to put a little extra water on so people will think the sink was just really strong…And when you return to your group you have to announce, "Man, watch out for the sink…It is a soaker." I am in a dry spell right now, but a year ago, it was really bad…And I don’t wear underpants, so basically I was going down my leg…Really uncomfortable on a cold day.

If I owned a cruise ship, I would give free cruises to hot chicks who liked to sun bathe topless…I think this would really help bring in the business…I wouldn’t even have to advertise…I would just need to cruise around some places that had big crowds a few times and then word of mouth would get me the business…The girls could make extra cash by having tip jars and talking smack to all of the dudes…Who thinks I am a GENIOUS?

The other day, I went to the dentist…It is good to take care of your teeth…they are your greatest asset…Without them, eating is a pain, and opening packages requires other tools…Beside, without teeth, how would you bite the shit out of someone who had you in a head lock…While I am on the subject: Your mouth is not a bottle opener…Stop opening beers with your teeth...

I just discovered about a month ago that I like tomatoes…This really sucks, when I think of all of the tomatoes I have picked off and thrown away over the years…It got me thinking…What else is out there that I have been missing by being such a picky eater…I have decided to pay the tomato back by launching a love for tomatoes campaign…The Slogan…"Love Tomatoes…Fuck Mushrooms".

I am not going to lie to you…I have looked at Internet porn, and magazines will never be the same again.

If I were a king I would retire after a few years and relax…It just seems like royalty can be so darn stressful; what with all the polo, and jubilees and what not…I just don’t see how they keep up.

Once I was walking under a tree and it dropped an apple on my head…I was sure the motherfucker did it on purpose, so I kicked the tree and broke my big toe…I was afraid of word getting out that I had my ass kicked by an apple tree, so I chopped it down and set it on fire…I am not sure, but I think my reputation spread among the others in the tree community, because I have yet to be hit in the head by falling fruit since.

I want to be Captain of a ship for a day…I don’t wish to sail anywhere, I just want to wear the outfit and make dudes swab the deck…that shit looks hard…I would also make people call me Captain, since that is what I would be…My friends would get really confused and try to call me Brandon, but I wouldn’t answer them…They would get really annoyed and call me Captain Asshole or something, so I would kick them off the boat…People would learn to respect me if I was Captain…Then the next day I wouldn’t be Captain anymore…I would be Brandon…I could apologize to my friends for kicking them off the boat and we could all walk by the boat again so I could call the new guy Captain Asshole…I just want to see this thing from both sides.

You know that Mr. T guy…what the hell is his freakin problem?

I like television commercials…I really do…I think it is nice that people spend so much time and money to make their products attractive to we the TV viewing audience…I would like to have my own commercial…I would advertise myself as a really nice guy, but I would have a skinnier guy play me in the ad so as to make me more attractive to the anti fat guy community…You see, that can’t be considered false advertising, because I would print the words, "actual Horwarth may differ slightly from the Horwarth you see on the screen." I think I would be a good seller…The stores would have lines to pick up the new Horwarth…I would be the item to have on the Christmas list, and kids would ask Santa Claus for a Horwarth…The only problem is, there is only one actual Horwarth, so I am immediately out of print and collectable…My God, whomever ends up with me is going to make a fortune on E-bay…I should sell myself…I guess I need the commercial first though…I do like commercials.

I have been thinking a lot about growing up, and all of the relationships and broken hearts we go through…I always wonder how many times I said "I love you" to someone and knew I didn’t mean it…It makes me think about all of the people that have said they love me and didn’t mean it as well, and I get really pissed off, because I hate when people lie…I mean, if they were lying to get in my pants, that is one thing, but just for the sake of dragging this heart through the mud…I don’t think anyone has ever used me for my body, and that really, really hurts…It really does…I want to be a booty call…Isn’t that what we all want out of life; to be someone’s "go to" sex slave…I forgot what I was talking about…Oh yeah, Love…Love sucks.

If I didn’t have a cell phone, I would never talk to half the people in my life again, and I am not sure that would be a bad thing…Come on people…Write a fucking letter once in a while…I am going to get a tumor if this phone keeps ringing...wait a minute I don't have a cell phone. Nevermind then.

When I think of all of the friends I have in my life, I have to thank beer…I really can’t stand a lot of them, but when they bring over a 12 pack, it is really nice to see them.

Why do I run the air conditioner in my car in the winter? Because I can.

You should always ask someone if it is OK to pet their dog when you pass by…if they say "no," kick the living shit out of the dog and run like crazy. Just kidding. Flip the person off and tell them you are more of a ferret person anyway, and the dog looks like it needs to be put down from lack of love in its life…They will let you pet it then.

I have decided to stop buying Birthday presents for everyone except my parents…I still expect gifts from those around me that have always bought me things, I just really don’t think I will be Birthday shopping anymore…

Alright, for crying out loud, if you have ugly feet, put on some freakin shoes already!!

I still don’t understand why Donuts have holes in them…I have had it explained to me several times, I just don’t get it…And how in the hell do they get pudding in those damn things…And why are they so bad for you…And why are they so delicious…Man, I hate Donuts…I really hate them…I’ll still eat them, but I plan to enjoy them much less now than in the past…They have really pissed me off now…God Damn the Donuts…Damn them all…

I think I would enjoy sky diving more if it didn’t entail jumping out of a plane and falling such a long distance…I prefer POOL diving…And really, I don’t ever dive…I just kind of jump in and sometimes I even hold my nose…I don’t use a parachute either…I am CRAZY.

Why does it take so long for people to get off of a freakin airplane…We are all in such a rush to get on that when they tell us to line up, we lose the ability to form a line…We all crowd in and fight for the overhead bins…Then we land, and everyone seems to be takin their time…Look man…I have been on this god damn plane for 7 hours…Get your things and get to baggage claim…And while your at it, please punch the guy behind me that has been kicking my seat and using my seat back as a helping hand to get up and sit down over and over and over again…And keep your kids off the freaking baggage claim belt…Sure, the kid in Jerry McGuire was really cute when he was lost and came rolling around on the thing, but get this…I want my suit case and I want it now and if your kid gets his hand caught in the belt, chances are it will shut down and I will stand here while they cut his hand off with a saw…I have beer waiting on me…Lets go people.

I think if puppies weren’t so damn cute, that the reptile industry would be booming.

If I was 6 ft. 7inches tall, and couldn’t slam-dunk a basketball, I would be considered retarded; and I could totally accept that.

A lot of people think that musicians all do drugs, and for the most part, a lot of people are really stupid because we don’t, and that is such an unfair stereotype…I am going to get drunk now.

I don’t know who it was that invented cough medicine, but how about a round of applause for that guy…I would drink Robatussin with my meal if they would let me…Let’s face it, it sucks to cough…It sucks worse to puke…Wait, I don’t know about that…Puking is good sometimes…Especially if you just ate pancakes…They really are just as delicious the second time you taste them…But coughing does suck…Especially when you cough up a little puke and have to swallow it back down…

Is it me, or is it perfectly ok that Madonna’s music starts to suck more as she gets older and hotter.

I have said it before, and I will stand by this until I die…Even Pizza that sucks is pretty freakin good!!!!

I was never one of those kids that wanted to learn to fly…It just seemed like to much work…Hell, I quit playing basketball because I didn’t like to run…I’m not about to commit to flapping my arms up and down 1000 times per second…I knew the drivers license was just around the corner, and I never minded a car pool every now and then…Birds should take the bus every once in a while and join the laziness…We could share a cab with them and get to know them better…It would really put a damper on the poultry industry because we would be hanging out with birds and not eating them…But I will make that sacrifice for tweetie…Until I am hungry…Then he is out of the car and into the WOK.

I have to be totally honest with you RIGHT NOW. I am in a crowded room, and I have just broken wind…That’s is right, I let one go…I am sitting here acting like I don’t smell it and judging reactions around me…I think it is a good one…I should be careful…I know there is more where that came from and behind the wall of stink, is a solid form that could prove very embarrassing if it tries to make an appearance…Wouldn’t that be a long walk down the aisle…I would rather walk down the aisle and marry Michael Jackson than make that walk…Oh man…I’ll bet the beverage cart would pass me by for sure.

I enjoy Brad Pitts films…Is there anything about that statement that could make me a homosexual?...I am not a homo-phobe…I am just gauging my homosexual tendencies…No big deal…I also like to wear the occasional pair of pantyhose, and yes, I have had a pedicure…Snatch was a great movie…So was that Thelma And Louise…I really have a lot in common with the characters in that one.

Does anyone else wonder how fast food restaurants manage to taste the same no matter where they are…I bet if you order a Big Mac in the UK, it tastes like a Big Mac…Man that is weird…They can’t recreate a Milky way, but they can make the shit out of America’s favorite fries…And by the way…Are we a little concerned that after 20 years of eating these freakin Mcnuggets, they all of a sudden make NEW and Improved Mcnuggets…I am worried…Very worried…A Big Mac Does sound good though….Doesn’t it…If they ever improve the Big Mac, lets all demand our money back from all of the crappy Big Macs we had to eat before they got it right.

Has anyone ever noticed how easy it is to cross your legs when you wear those really slippery sweat pants?

I just looked at my feet in a full length mirror and god you guys must think I'm an asshole...

I have decided that people that refuse to check baggage when flying were once, and could possibly still be, bed wetters.

If I could fly, I always wonder if I would still drive early in the morning time. I mean, I don't even like to do 10 pushups...let alone flap my freakin arms up and down 2000 times per second.

Don't you hate it when someone spits in your eye during a conversation...you feel like you are doing something wrong when you wipe it out, so sometimes you wait a second...this means you have forgotten to listen to them and have been consumed by a small bit of salivated that is now drying in your eye...when this happens to me, I sometimes hock a loogy and fire at right in the persons mouth, just do buy some time to dry the eye...

Here are a few things I hate...
• Guys, even bald guys, that don't use shampoo. For some reason that pisses me off.
• People that cross their arms, but without crossing them. They just fold one OVER the other. One hand grabs a rib, the other, an elbow. If you have ever done this in a photo, I hope you are happy with yourself.
• Guys who say bro AND dude. I think a choice needs to be made here.
• Drunk people when I am sober.
• Tall guys on the front row of anything, unless I am not paying attention to what it is they are watching.
• Short girls BEHIND tall guys that complain about not being able to see, instead of moving to a less vertically challenged spot.
• People that work in the food industry, but think they are meteorologists.
• People who climb things for no reason.
• Waiters that sit down at the table with you while taking your order.
• People in their mid twenties that still hate someone they haven't seen since high school.
• Myself when I say stupid shit.
• Dentists.
• Hemorrhoids.
• Cars that look like shoes.
• Drivers that shift lanes more than their quota, which is basically based on my feelings at that particular moment.
• The fact that french fries are so bad for us, but are served with, and go well with, fucking everything.
• Mice...even that little Mickey.....I hate mice....Stuart Little is cool, but I think just cause he doesn't act like an asshole to the cat.....oh and he sounds like Michael J. fFox when he talks
• Red Bull....
• Basketballs that don't quite have enough air to bounce right, but do have enough to look inviting to those who like to bounce balls.
• People that speak their mind.....I really think we should keep more bottled up as a society