It Was Nothing, At Least It Made For A Good Laugh

Sorry everyone, but no happy go lucky post tonight. I figure everyone else has spilled their thoughts and feelings into these things, so why don't I give it a shot? Here we go kids, buckle up and get ready for the no holds barred honesty...So I've spent the last couple of nights over at Ian's house just with the friends and all. You know with everyone leaving in 5 days and all. In all honesty I want them to leave, the day can't come soon enough. I'll miss them like hell, but I want them to go. Who ever thought that some of your closest friends could cause so much complexity and stress in such a short amount of time. Fuck it, I'm just going to skip straight to what is bugging me. Last night we were out smoking hookah and Chelsea and Ian are cuddling, or what have you, and I have my foot on Chelsea's leg. I was rubbing her leg with my foot in a caring fashion. Ian mentioned that he was uncomfortable with that, quite frankly, I didn't give a shit. Somewhere during the night she went inside to go to the bathroom, Buckley raises a question to Ian. "So whats the deal with the chick? Are you getting any?" Ian just kind of had a dumb founded look and responded with "Well I did sleep with her the other night." At this point I am thoroughly disgusted. Buckley went on to ask me what the fuck my problem was. I told him. I care about Chelsea. I'm not going to apologize for doing so, I don't think I should have to. I can't help how I feel. I have feelings for her, straight and to the point. Everyone and their mother knows that I have had feelings for her for a very long time. Conversation continues, "What you need to do is bring her close in to you, push this fucker's leg off of you and go in for your move." This is Buckley talking to Ian. I don't know how this is going to play out between the two of them, but I just don't want anyone to get hurt. Which is evident that someone already has. I know she is only trying to make the best of the time left with him, and that is understandable. I am not helping anything at all by writing any of this, if anything I'm going to make things worse. Today, Ben and Ian were making a mockery of me and what I did last night. They all laughed. You know what, small shit means a hell of a lot to me. All I did was move my foot, but that made me feel good. I don't know why it did, knowing full well that all it was doing was making people feel uncomfortable. In all honesty, there have been times that I just want to hold her. It may sound like I am mad at the world right now, and I feel that way. Someone told me that its okay to hate the world every once in a while. I haven't done that in a long time, so here I am. I don't hate her though, nor could I ever. No matter what she does, she brings a smile to my face just seeing her. I felt like shit, things like that make me feel that I may have a chance. Some day, some how, just a single chance. It makes it hard to believe that chance will ever come when everyone just laughs at you. Hey you have feelings for Chelsea...everyone point and laugh. HAHAHAHAHA!! HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE!! HAHAHAHA!! Its things like this that just make me question, what in the fuck am I doing. I try and I want to show how I feel, but there is no point. What good will it do? None. If anything I fear I will lose Chelsea as a friend forever. I could not live with myself if that happened, I would be miserable. Why am I even trying? 1: I am making an ass out of myself 2: I am making Chelsea's life more complicated than it needs to be 3: The whole situation is nothing, just a good laugh for all the bystanders. I know this all sounds ridiculous and ludacris, but this is how I feel. I have no regret in showing how I feel or saying so. Tonight we went to Stone Lake, awkward as hell. Last time I was there I told Chelsea I still care about her very much. Then she asked why, I never said. If she was ever to ask me again, what should I say? Would it make a difference? But hey, what can you do? Just sit back and be the comic relief for a couple more days, 5 days isn't that long to be laughed at. I think thats all I have to say for now, thats all I want to say. Straight and to the point. "I'm not that special"...she has no idea what she means to me. Apologies to everyone, guess I just don't know how to stop caring. Goodnight world. Peace, dare I say love, as I push it out and fake a smile.

Your dear old friend,
Brandon H.