Call And Answer

I just wanted to post because there is a lot going on inside of my head right now. I really don't feel that now is the time to elaborate, but lets just say its the same thing I'm always thinking about. There's a song by Barenaked Ladies that I have been listening to called Call And Answer. I like it, its one of those songs that suits my situation and when I hear it I wish that I was the one that wrote it. I'm in the process of making a bunch of CDs with songs in them that express some things I would like to say, but I never do. I'm gonna label them all L.P. I can tell you what, it doesn't stand for long playing. I need to quit doing that too. I'm beginning to realize that I am wasting almost everyday of my life. I need to start living it up to the fullest. I don't want to be one of those people that looks back and regrets not doing something. You know the old saying, carpe diem, seize the day. I like the way that sounds, I always said I was going to start living like that. I haven't started yet. Hey, what better time than Saturday? I mean its a new year...new chances. Yet another opportunity for me to learn from the past and apply it to the future. Thats all for now, I'll leave ya'll with the lyrics to Call And Answer. I'll post a lot tomorrow night, sum up 2004 and predict 2005. Its gonna be some crazy shit.

I think it's getting to the point
where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
that is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
To Rebuild

Leave The Door Open

I'm a little late to be wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, so I'll just skip that. I've been thinking a lot about some things as of late and I haven't had the opportunity to get them out. As of late I've just mainly been thinking about Lauren. Shes going through a really hard time right now with the whole Paul situation. She'll get through it though, I know she will. I just want to be there to help her through it though. All I want to do is be there for her and try my best to help her. For some strange reason though, I get the feeling that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't know if she was just mad or what, but the other night we were talking online and she told me to quit caring, quit doing things for her, quit buying things for her, just to quit caring. That hurt me, really bad. I hope she didn't mean it. But if she did, I just want her to know that I will. As much as I would never want to. I'll pretend not to care. I'll leave her alone completely. Sometimes I get the feeling thats what she wants me to do. Does she want me to just go away and never acknowledge that I have feelings for her? I want to ask her to Snowball again, but I don't even know if I should bother. I really wanted to go with her, but she made it seem pretty evident that she didn't want to go with me. She said she would if I didn't go with Caitlin. Then again I have to ask myself, does she really want to go with me or did she just say that? I know she's not the kind of person to do that, but I just don't know anymore. Its like I told Becca, I just want to be there for her, because I love her, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. She wonders why I care so much, she wonders why I love her. Truth be known...I don't know. I can't explain it, everything about her makes me happy just to be around her. Like right now, just thinking about her is putting a smile on my face. But then again, it makes me wonder. Does she think about me ever? When shes alone or with friends, do I ever cross her mind? I don't like to think about the truth that I'm nothing to her. No more than just a caring friend. Like back in the summer, when I first told her how I felt. I thought she liked me too. It seemed like she did. Then again I asked myself. Did Lauren ever really care or did she just play along? Like I said, she would never do that to someone. Its just crazy thoughts that run through my head. I still love her...I think I just need to sit down and talk to her alone and get things straight. It would make my world complete if she was in it...but then again, I can't think about myself. Its her life, her feelings. If she doesn't care about me, so be it. I'll leave her alone forever and move on. I just want her to see how much I care, I'd never let myself be forgiven if I didn't try one last time. Caitlin told me never to give up on true love. I have one last attempt left in me. My story began a couple of months ago when I told her how I felt. I, a goofy ass mofo, and her, a beautiful young woman. Her and I had spent time together when I was with Matt, but never really hung out. I wonder if she knew that I had a lot of feelings for her. I'm one of those guys that when they have feelings for a girl, they don't have the balls to tell them. Anyway, like I said, we never hung out or dated. But we picked on each other a lot, and I did kiss her a couple of times. They weren't really good kisses, just little love pecks. It was funny cause the whole time I was frustrated because I thought that she didn't want to be with me because of Matt. So I confronted Matt and asked him if he had a problem with it. He didn't. But he told me that I should ask her about Paul. He said they were pretty serious and that I was wasting my time. Now I didn't want to believe this because, knowing Matt how I do, I thought that he was just making it up and being a dick. But long story short, it was no lie. Paul was real, I was forgotten. I do like the memories that I share with her though. Once again, I wonder if she ever thinks about me or thinks about the times we had together. I just thought that maybe someone out there will read this and feel better about what they're going through. Have you ever just talked to someone, and knew that you were going to be around this person for the rest of your life? I just want to say to anyone that has had feelings for someone who potentially has them for you, happiness comes through doors that you didn't even know you left open. Lauren is a door in my life that I'm never going to close.

I Am Lost

Once in upon an eternity, I met an innocent beautiful girl who I thought was an angel sent from above. As I temp my eyes upon her I felt one of Cupid’s arrows slashing through my heart. Then in pain, I finally gazed my eyes upon her. Her heavenly beauty struck my eyes. Her soft touch cured my pains. Her innocent mind stole my heart. Her sweet voice manipulated my feelings. Her silent smile grabbed my body. Her sentimental eyes temp my emotions. Her everything...captured my soul. I would have never dreamed of meeting this innocent beauty from above, but yet, she looked at me with her sentimental eyes and her innocent temptations claimed me as hers. I am lost…Even though we were just friends, I realize that I needed her more than anything else. I wished to see her beautiful face everyday. I wished to talk to her every hour. I wished to laugh with her every afternoon. I wished to dance with her on top of the moon. I wished to hear her sweet innocent voice every night. I wished to cry with her in every fight. I wished to hold her tight until the first light of the sun was at sight. I wished to kiss her sweet innocent lips while she sleeps. I wished…to fall in love with her. But for these wishes, I doomed myself with this oblivious feeling that I had never felt before. I am lost…For what is this feeling that I have for her? For this feeling that I have for her, I wished I would not have. This feeling is beyond my understandings, comprehension, and capabilities. I do not understand its complexity and the overwhelming powers it has over me. Is this what they call…love or is this just an uncontrollable feeling that has yet again, replenished in my soul? Is this the feeling that drives a man insane or is this the feeling that controls a man’s sanity? Is this the feeling that can save you from harms way or is this the feeling that can harm you inside and out? What is this feeling that I have for her? I am lost…As I talked to her, I told her my emotions. I told her my feelings. I told her my thoughts. I told her my lies. I told her my truth. I told her that I would protect her. What else can I tell her? What else can I do to satisfy this hunger that I had for her? I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t care what I was doing. I’ve tried to make her happy. I wished all my wishes. I’ve tried my best. I’ve followed my heart and finally, I believed...that I was in love. But yet again, I am lost…As she disappears from my life day by day, I searched for her in the eternities and I found her past, I found her presents, I found her lies, I found her truths, I found her thoughts, I found her confessions…and finally, I found her soul. And yet, I believed that I was in love. How stupid of me to think that if I loved an innocent angel like her, she would love me back; for I was just a loser who tried to be cool, for I was just a loner who explored the eternities. I was just another guy who was in searched for an adventure. I was just a mortal being who loved an immortal. I was just…a friend who dreamed of being her lover. And yet, I wanted more and still, I am lost…As time flew by, I got to know her better and I thought about her consistently. Then suddenly on a cloudy day, a day that seem so much like a dream or a day that seem like it can crumble a person’s soul, I saw her grasping onto another guy’s shoulders while her lips melted away onto his. My feelings for her demolished, my body ached with pain, my emotion raged with anger, my eyes burned with the flames of jealousy, my heart shattered into the dust of time and I can do nothing but watch from the bottomless pits of Hell while my body froze in pain and my mind exploded with rage.“How can an angel break my heart?” I said pitifully and painfully while picking up the pieces of my broken heart.She probably has a boyfriend. She probably has the same feelings that I have for her, but for someone else. She probably loved someone else. She probably… loves someone else. She probably wished that I would just leave her alone in the endless dark eternities where I found her sweet innocent soul. If so, can she ever forgive me for talking to her when she needed a friend? Can she ever forgive me for the thousands and thousands of roses that I sent her when I tried to steal her sweet innocent soul? Can she ever forgive me for protecting her when her life was at danger? Can she ever forgive me for not being there when she needed me the most? Can she ever forgive me for caring for her when no one else was there to care for her? Can she ever forgive me for… loving her? For that, I am lost…I guess now, you’ve heard this foolish story of my friendship, feelings, passions, emotions, insanity, and so-called love that I had upon her. I may be a fool. I may be a loser. I may be a foe. But remember this; I’ll always understand her when no one else seems to understand her. I’ll always protect her when it seems like the whole world is against her. I’ll always be her knight in shinning armor to protect and save her from any dangers. I’ll always shield her from any harm and danger that comes her way. I’ll always be there for her when no one else is there for her. I’ll always care for her when her heart is at agony. I’ll always pleasure her with every soft touch and unimaginable wonders that I can offer her. I’ll always be her friend no matter what. I’ll always…remember her as the one I loved. And while I dream again in the dark endless eternities in search of true love, in the back of my mind I know that “love is only a state of mind and not always what you think or expect it to be, while true love exists only in one’s mind and sanity while reality is inevitable.” At last…I am found.

Snowballess

I stand by my previous post that this week was indeed THE single handed worse week of my entire life. I found out that Lauren is going to snowball with Paul. Deep down inside, I knew that they would go together. I could just sense it. I don't even know why I tried to ask her to go with me. I knew she wouldn't...deep down I knew. So now, I'm left with no options for a date to Snowball. I have also come to the conclusion that I suck at life. It is a big, twisted sick game that we are all forced to play. Some of us fair much better than others. Some people play the game just right and live the life of a King or a Queen. I'm one of those feeble little pawns, not a regular one. I'm one of the pawns that has to act as the sacrificial lamb in order for others to gain success. Why is it that when you dedicate your life to being the kindest, sweetest person you can, you always end up being the one getting short changed? I have the ability to make others around me be happy and help them with their problems. Its funny...though I am so wise about other peoples conflictions, love lives, family problems, and what not, I'm so clueless about whats going on in my own life. Sometimes I just don't understand what I'm suppose to do. What do people expect from me? I'm always putting everyone else before me, I just thought maybe I'd get something in return. Don't get me wrong though, I'm glad that Lauren is going with Paul. Its one step closer for her to being with him again. But you know, sometimes a break up is like a broken mirror. Its better to leave it broken then to hurt yourself trying to fix it. My whole situation in life right now has opened my eyes up to a couple of things. I now realize that part of loving someone is learning to let go. A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious, not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. When you finally let go, you're free from any pain...but your hands are empty. Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. It only means that you are strong enough to let go. With that, I give up. I quit. They say no matter how dark the night is, the sun always rises again...I say lost love makes one realize that no matter how bright the day is, the sun will always set again. I'm ready to move on. Find someone who cares for me as much as I do for them. Yea, I'm still going to Snowball. I don't know if I'll find a date or not, but I'm going to that damn dance. If its by myself so be it. I'm not going to let anything stop me or bring me down. Its only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.

Worst Week Of My Life

I haven't posted in a while, but thats because not much has been happening. I have a reason to post now though. This week has by far been the most suck ass, god awful week of my life. Now last week was awesome. Especially the end. All I did at work was follow Shoup around and worked as his shadow. I didn't do a very good job at it though, considering I kept roaming off and doing my own thing. What can I say, I don't like working as a shadow. I enjoy being my own independent self and doing what I think is suitable for the time being. Once I start working on something, I stick to it until that job is done. Once again though, that was last week. This week started out with what I think was the longest Monday of my life. It wasn't a bad day, it was just freakishly long. Now Tuesday, I was late getting up in the morning. On the way to school, a deer almost jumped into the side of my car when I was driving down Capital Avenue. Out of my peripheral vision I saw something jump out. I thought it was a person, some homeless guyu or something trying to end it all. Then I looked by in my rear view mirror and saw that it was just a deer. Then like ten more crossed the road. I was like what the shit? O_o. Then I got to school and I double parked...that was on purpose though. I don't know why, I just had an asshole impulse. Then that night, I was changing a CD in my car. I turned at a stop sign and my CD case got caught on my steering wheel, my wheel was stuck completely to the left and I creamed some dude's mailbox. I tore that mofo right out of the ground. Lauren was in the car, I'm pretty sure I knocked off a couple years off of her life. There was an awkward moment of silence, then I started laughing. I thought it was funny. Wednesday, late going to school again. The worse thing that happened on Wednesday was that I was going to ask Caitlin to Snowball, but she has a date already. I was kinda bummed, but I got over it. I'll still dance with her at the...um...dance. Hopefully Lauren isn't going with anyone yet. If I ask her and she has a date, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I'm running out of options. If I don't find a date I think I'm going to have to ball up in the fetal position and start crying. If worse comes to worse though (with my luck it will) I'll just pimp it by myself for Snowball. I bought 3 rose greetings for my brother so he could fill them out and give them to Melissa. He was pretty happy with me. I think that and actually buying a couple of them for me to fill out was the only thing good that happened this week. Today was the worst of all though. I woke up and had a little stuffy nose, I figured alright it'll go away during the day. Man was I wrong. It escaladed and got worse as the day went on. My nose was like freaking Niagra Falls. My eyes keot watering and shit. People came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I had to explain that I wasn't crying, but that I just have a slight case of the plague or the Ebola virus. It'll pass in due time. I look like and feel like crap though. Yea, picture that one....ewwww. I don't even want to look at me. I tried everything I could to unplug my nose. I used some Vixx, I put on one of those breathe right strips, I ate hot sauce...not a thing worked. If anything it made my nose run more. I had a conversation with Caitlin about dresses and how they make your boobs look big. She's right, whenever I put on a nice dress it pushes my boobs up to my face and I can eat off of my cleavage...<_<...>_> (shifty eyes) I'm sorry that was too much. I've gone too far. She asked me if I liked her as a friend or as a girlfriend. I said that I would like to like her more than a friend. But she kept saying yo no se, I think its Spanish...I don't know how the hell to speak Spanish. Ugh...I really hope that I find a date for Snowball, and that the rest of the week ends up a lot better than the beginning. I'm gonna bundle myself up, make a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and go to bed. I just want tomorrow to end so I can enjoy two weeks of relaxation. This week of December 13th, 2004 the worst week ever...

Boochness

Now I have been called many nick names in my life, but Petee has come up with one that I like. He started calling me Boochness. Its freakin awesome. In fact, people in general have been starting to call me Booch more often, and for some add reason, I like it. Petee just found out about my website a couple of days ago, and until I wrote this entry explaining how he calls me Boochness, he has continually called me Bitchness. That asshole. Now that I have mentioned him on here, he should be satisfied. By the way Petee, go suffocate yourself in quicksand. Now that I've cleared that up, I really don't have anything else to talk about. I can say one thing, I spent most of the weekend at Petee's/ with Petee. I was supposed to go to his house today and watch some football, but I had to go to my grandmas. Sorry Petey Pablo. Another thing I can say is that my insomnia is kickin in REALLY bad lately. I've just been lying awake every night thinking. About what, I can't say. If I do fall asleep, I wake up and start picturing/ thinking again. Don't ever develop insomnia, for any reason. I learned this from experience, but its too late for me. Ugh...thats all for now peeps. Hope you all have a good nights rest and sweet dreams. I remember those days. Peace out.

Lemmywinks!!!

Truth be known, I have no reason for writing today at all. Nothing special happened. It was just another boring, lame ass day. Started off as it always does, alarm clock goes off at 6 I roll over and turn it off. I lay in my bed disgruntled about the whopping 2 hours of sleep I got. I don't get up until 6:30 or 7. In today's case, 7:10. I was up when it started snowing, but I totally forgot that it did. I hopped in the shower for like literally 4 minutes. I bolted out of the bathroom and into my room. I had to make it fast for two reasons, one I didn't want to get yelled at by Whitney for being late and I had to dethaw my car. There's nothing worse than driving around a popcicle in the morning. After I slapped some boxers on, I looked out the window to see that my mom was scraping the ice off my car and that she had started it for me. God bless her heart. My mom is by far the coolest person on the planet. The more I think about it, I'm kind of glad that it snowed. Not because it made my mom scrape my car, but because its the first day of December. Its nice that it snowed on the first day of December, its a good sign of a white Christmas. Anyway, back to my mom. She was making it out to be a good day for me until she made me wear my coat. Don't get me wrong, I used to like that coat. It did a lot of things for me. It kept me warm in times of blistering cold it...uhh...erm...thats about all it did. But its the principle of the thing that counts. I wear it to school one day last week and Whitney's like "Hey nice old man coat". I was like WTF!!! It is not an old man's coat. But the more I look at it, I can picture an old man wearing my coat...a very big old man. Now I can't wear it anymore, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm currently in the market for a new coat now, thanks a lot Whitney. Now, this is going to be totally of topic, but I just saw the new episode of South Park. I thought I was freakin hilarious. For any of you who watch it, you know what I'm sayin. Anyway I liked it a lot because of how it ended. The whole homage to Lemmywinks was genious. I couldn't stop laughing. Now I thought it was funny watching a gerbil escape a gay man's ass, but Paris Hilton...that was...well kind if disgusting actually. NONE THE LESS I still liked it. Thats all I had to say today. On a more serious note, to anyone that has AIDS or knows anyone with AIDS, I bid you a happy? World AIDS Day. I'm not sure happy is the right word, but it'll suffice for now. Hey its the thought that counts right? I'm just doing my job and trying to care. Saving the world one good deed at a time. Its all a part of being your average everyday Horwarth. Hey, just because you don't have any powers doesn't mean you're not a hero. Keep that in your mind for good measure.