Leave The Door Open

I'm a little late to be wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, so I'll just skip that. I've been thinking a lot about some things as of late and I haven't had the opportunity to get them out. As of late I've just mainly been thinking about Lauren. Shes going through a really hard time right now with the whole Paul situation. She'll get through it though, I know she will. I just want to be there to help her through it though. All I want to do is be there for her and try my best to help her. For some strange reason though, I get the feeling that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't know if she was just mad or what, but the other night we were talking online and she told me to quit caring, quit doing things for her, quit buying things for her, just to quit caring. That hurt me, really bad. I hope she didn't mean it. But if she did, I just want her to know that I will. As much as I would never want to. I'll pretend not to care. I'll leave her alone completely. Sometimes I get the feeling thats what she wants me to do. Does she want me to just go away and never acknowledge that I have feelings for her? I want to ask her to Snowball again, but I don't even know if I should bother. I really wanted to go with her, but she made it seem pretty evident that she didn't want to go with me. She said she would if I didn't go with Caitlin. Then again I have to ask myself, does she really want to go with me or did she just say that? I know she's not the kind of person to do that, but I just don't know anymore. Its like I told Becca, I just want to be there for her, because I love her, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. She wonders why I care so much, she wonders why I love her. Truth be known...I don't know. I can't explain it, everything about her makes me happy just to be around her. Like right now, just thinking about her is putting a smile on my face. But then again, it makes me wonder. Does she think about me ever? When shes alone or with friends, do I ever cross her mind? I don't like to think about the truth that I'm nothing to her. No more than just a caring friend. Like back in the summer, when I first told her how I felt. I thought she liked me too. It seemed like she did. Then again I asked myself. Did Lauren ever really care or did she just play along? Like I said, she would never do that to someone. Its just crazy thoughts that run through my head. I still love her...I think I just need to sit down and talk to her alone and get things straight. It would make my world complete if she was in it...but then again, I can't think about myself. Its her life, her feelings. If she doesn't care about me, so be it. I'll leave her alone forever and move on. I just want her to see how much I care, I'd never let myself be forgiven if I didn't try one last time. Caitlin told me never to give up on true love. I have one last attempt left in me. My story began a couple of months ago when I told her how I felt. I, a goofy ass mofo, and her, a beautiful young woman. Her and I had spent time together when I was with Matt, but never really hung out. I wonder if she knew that I had a lot of feelings for her. I'm one of those guys that when they have feelings for a girl, they don't have the balls to tell them. Anyway, like I said, we never hung out or dated. But we picked on each other a lot, and I did kiss her a couple of times. They weren't really good kisses, just little love pecks. It was funny cause the whole time I was frustrated because I thought that she didn't want to be with me because of Matt. So I confronted Matt and asked him if he had a problem with it. He didn't. But he told me that I should ask her about Paul. He said they were pretty serious and that I was wasting my time. Now I didn't want to believe this because, knowing Matt how I do, I thought that he was just making it up and being a dick. But long story short, it was no lie. Paul was real, I was forgotten. I do like the memories that I share with her though. Once again, I wonder if she ever thinks about me or thinks about the times we had together. I just thought that maybe someone out there will read this and feel better about what they're going through. Have you ever just talked to someone, and knew that you were going to be around this person for the rest of your life? I just want to say to anyone that has had feelings for someone who potentially has them for you, happiness comes through doors that you didn't even know you left open. Lauren is a door in my life that I'm never going to close.