Where Did I Leave Off??

Oh, I remember...the beginning.

Its funny to look back and see how I mentioned Lauren in my very first post ever on this blog. In 2 months I will have had this running for 2 years. I haven't used it to its full potential, in fact I have neglected it for quite some time. I think its for the simple fact that I used to update daily on my small nothings. Somewhere down the line blogger became the knowledgable, wise posting place. I had nothing of the sort to say. I guess I just buckled under the pressure of writing something meaningful and life changing. Thats not what this is about though. Why can't I just put my thoughts on here without changing anyones life?? Is a reflective source. Its my past. Its my present. Its my future. This is my circle of time.

Its been an occurance of strange feelings as of late, and surprisingly enough they aren't all coming from me. I'm not sure if Lauren is toying with the thought of having feelings for me in her head. Tell tale signs point to yes, but at the same time I've been through the tell tale signs before. The only thing that led to was me being alone and her dating Paul. What I'm trying to say is this, I'm not about to get my hopes up again. There is no chance in hell. Would it be great, of course, it would be fantastic. I'm not expecting anything. What happens, happens. What it becomes, if anything, is what it is. It would give me a great feeling of achievment. Even if it is 2 years after the fact. It all comes back to that chemical reaction that you experience with another person. Thats something you can't change. Chelsea was right in this statement. Your chemical link to a person cannot be altered by mere personality flaws.

I know some don't understand why I ever liked Lauren, hell, even why I still do. They don't have to. I know I may sound like a hypocrite for all of the crap I gave Chelsea for liking Ian. In all honesty though, I think Lauren is better than Ian. A lot better. I'm told I need to find someone with a great taste in music, movies, books, can carry intellectual conversation and what not. I'm by no means a snob though. I can date a girl who listens to rap and show tunes and country. As long as they are cool with the fact that I listen to what I like and not have a problem with it. They don't have to read Faulkner, Salinger, or Kerouac. Believe it or not it is possible to have a smart conversation without discussing time travel, speed of light, music, or politics. Its just a feeling you get when you are with someone. The feeling of being unknowingly overjoyed and just surrounded by the company of this person. Its sitting around all day wanting and waiting to talk to them just because it makes you smile to hear their voice. Its the person you fall for. Its who they are, not what they do.

I apologize for not having anything else for you. I will say this, it would be amazing to go somewhere with this, but at the same time...it is what it is. For the record speaking my opinion: I think she should break it off with Doug for her own well being. Having parents who yell at you and expect you to take care of their kids/other things, life actionless boyfriend, not to mention the fact he fondles other women and coaxes them to strip for him while they are drunk, isn't exactly someone I'd like to see her with. I'm sure at one time Doug appreciated her...I just don't see that anymore. I see two people who have only known one thing for the past year and a half of their lives...eachother. Two people who are afraid to embrace life and think "Hey, maybe theres more to this than you and me." There is a difference between what feels right...and what is right. It is a thin line indeed, so thin that they can in fact be one in the same. You have to ask yourself, am I walking the right line or just the dashed one because it looks familiar to me. Who knows.

Clean slate...cut, rewind, back to where I left off. Right where I started. Thats perfectly fine by me.