You'll Discover That Casual Friends Kept Notes in Their Pockets to Remember Your Name

I've made the official decision to go down and attend school at Purdue next year. I have to say that I am thoroughly looking forward to getting out of this town and experiencing college life for real. Not this, drive 20 minutes to a wipe ass excuse of a campus. I'm also looking at what the hell I'm going to change my major to when I get down there. I thought about it long and hard and what can I really do with an enlgish major?? I can become a teacher or work for the government. I wouldn't mind being a teacher, but I just would like to have a job where I make more of an income than that of a teacher. As far as the government goes...what the hell could I do for them that they can't do for themselves?? I guess I could become a write, but I'm not going to shit myself. I'm not, nor will I ever be, good enough to be an author.

So, that leaves me with basically becoming what I was last year. I will most likely go down there and enroll into the ol' engineering program again. Either that or I will just go the simply route and just settle with being an electrician. Or something along the lines of that. Not only will it be better income in the long run, but it will finally shut my dad the fuck up about me doing something with my life. Christ knows I'm sick of that shit.

I hung out with Becca tonight. We talked about life and love and everything in between. Which I found really interesting because, no offense to her, she just doesn't semm like the kind of person I could do that with. It was interesting to say the least. Shes really the only person have seen since Friday. She made mention how Chelsea came into Target with one of her friends the other night. Becca told her I was working and she should go visit. It would've been a nice visit, if she did that is. I tried calling her, but shes blowing me off again. I can't say that I'm surprised. I don't know if its another attempt on her part to finally just push me out of her life or what the fuck. And I'm beginning to think...maybe I should finally just give up. Everyone else seems to have, why am I sticking around?? I'll tell you why, because we've seen too much shit and been through too much together for me to just be like "Ok, we don't hang out anymore, thats cool." I don't work that way. Its just another one of those times where I sit here and question...what the fuck?? Plus I just find it funny how the 'peppy' fake choir people she used to say that she hated so much, is pretty much what she has become. Not thats shes become it, its just all she knows/ hangs out with. She says she has changed, but has she really?? Is she really a different person, or just different for them?? I don't know. I've tried to make some sort of contact. All I'm saying is, now don't wonder why you don't hear from one of your closest friends for a month. Its a two way street.

I think thats a sufficient amount of bitching and sharing insight for the morning. Hope everything goes well. See you sometime in the future. If I don't...you'll see me in the past. Either way, I'll see you, you see me, we'll see something. Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.

Waking Up Without You is Like Drinking From an Empty Cup

It just doesn't seem to quench my thirst.

Once again, it has been ages since I have looked at my blog here or even considered making a post on it. Up until this very moment in time right now. Everything once again has changed. 1: I never really liked Lauren again. I just started liking her because she was showing me some sort of attention, which I was willing to capitalize on and jump all over. Is that really what I want though?? To settle like that?? No. It isn't. At the same time would it be so bad?? The more I think about it, do I get pissed at people who settle because they just want something...or do I get pissed because they aren't settling with me. Its odd. I'm not sure where I stand on that one.

In case you haven't guessed by now, this is going to be a happy rant about life and love. Big fuckin surprise.

What happened to the good old days of just being content with driving around, listening to music, going back to a house to relax and watch a movie, and just cuddle?? Enjoy the company. Seriously. Theres no one I have found around here that is willing to do that with me. Not a single God damn person. All I really ask for is a girl who digs me, is actually going somewhere with their life, good taste in music, dark sense of humor, and is just ok with not going out all the time and instead staying in to watch a movie and being happy about being alive and with eachother. Whys that so hard??

There is no one like that in my life. There are only 2 people I could think of off the top of my head in this very moment that I would date. 1: Suzie, that would just be too damn weird though. So it really doesn't count. 2: Chelsea, she is pretty much awesome and fills every qualification...but shes not an option. Been there before. Doesn't work out. The only qualification she lacks is the whole "has to dig me" part. Summed up, its not a problem of me dating her as much as it would be her dating me. So basically after those 2 options it boils down to...fuck. Just plain and simple. Fuck.

I'm not really bitter about anything. I don't think relationships are terrible, on the contrary, I think they are lovely. I just wish I was in one. I don't hate women by any means. Everytime I claim that I'm going to join the celibate life, I'm never serious. I know I'll find something sometime in someplace...I'm just tired of waiting for it. Roll out the dice onto the board as I play love's favorite past time, the waiting game. The kicker of it is, I don't like playing. Its like in elementary school when kids poke and prod at you to play baseball or basketball and you don't want to. Why not?? I don't want to play because I'm not good at it, alright. You happy?? You stupid ass kids. I don't wanna play alright?? Let me just go over here and do something I'm good at. Now the thing about playing any other games is that you have to find one of those people thats not already playing with the other kids. Thats all I want. I want to find someone to play with me. As dirty as it sounds. Just go with it. I'm tired of playing the waiting game like everyone else. I want to start my own game. I want to be like, " Hey, I'm going to go over here and play tetherball. I'd love it if you would come play with me." That would be all too perfect. Just asking for a simple game and waiting for "I'd love to."

It doesn't take a reason to love someone,but it does to like someone. You don't love someone because you want to, you love someone because you are destined too. It's because you fall in love with them, that you then try to find a reason, but you always come up with the answer, there is no reason. When someone asks you why do you like me?? You have to have the answer. Its when you love someone that you can't explain anything. The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. I'm waiting to be someones accident.