The Blind Man's Desert

Through the course of last night and this morning, which is the same thing when you get no sleep, I have thought about a lot. Especially after talking with Dan. Last night we went to a chamber choir cookout. Why was I there, hell if I know. I can't sing or dance worth shit, but it was fun to tag along with Dan anyway. Besides the only thing I was doing was sitting at home watchin Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. I really didn't know any of the people at the party. I mainly just stayed with Dan the whole time and Wood. We sat around the fire and played for a couple of hours. Dan was playing some songs that really just made me start thinking. I don't know what it is about music and an open fire, but you put the two together and you just start to focus on life. I'll emphasize on this later.

Halfway through the night Wood noticed that there was some kittens running around in the grass, so we went to go check them out. There was this one kitten that just would not leave me alone, it kept following me around and wanting some lovins. I figured why not, being the animal lover that I am I went ahead and just pet it for a while. I tried to put it down, but it would just come right back. I actually wanted to just go ahead and take it home with me. I wasn't going to tell Dan that I was going to take it, I was just going to put it in my shirt and get in his car. About halfway home I was going to take him out and be like, hmmmm how'd that get in there. Amy was outside the whole time though and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate a guy she doesn't even know taking one of her kittens. I think I might go back for it when no ones looking. >_>...<_<...>_>...swipe.

Wood, Dan, and myself made a trip to Steak and Shake around midnight. Thats always a nice getaway from the world, just to go and hang out...talk. We did just that. Being as late as it was, we were all ridiculously tired and we thought that everything was funny. Two main things we kept laughing about was a part from a Family Guy episode and Dan's sneezes. Mix the two together and we might as well looked like we were stoned out of our minds. It was great times, as usual.

On the drive to and from the country Dan and myself had a lot to talk about. For one we both talked about how much we hate Granger and how everyone here has to drive a fucking SUV of some sort. Thats why our oil and gas is going to shit. Why does everyone in teh U.S. have to drive some tank sized vehicle? Why? It doesn't make any damn sense. I know theres people out there probably thinking, oh they have families and blah blah blah. Bullshit. Half of the freakin SUV owners are single or married and don't even have a family to transport. I personally don't see what the problem with hybrid cars is either. Its just America doesn't have the willing to try something different, we are all just a bunch of stubborn pig headed assholes. Thats all there is to it. The more we talked, the more I realized that I just want to get the hell out of here. I want to leave and never come back. All of the shit that has happened here, I just want to go. Then we started talking about relationships, Dan started telling me about his whole thing with Sarah and that all feelings he had for her are gone. That is unfortunate, I feel for Dan. It just made me feel good to understand that at least one of my friends knows what I'm feeling. Just asking the questions of why and what if things were different? You know, I'm not even going to lie I'm just going to put it all out there. I am sick and tired of getting my heart broken and things not working out. Too many times have I been let down for reasons unbeknownst to me. I can't understand how girls can change the way they feel with the blink of an eye. One minute they care about you above all else and the next...you're nothing, just a forgotten memory. I'm tired of being the greatest sweetest friend. I want to be the greatest sweetest boyfriend. As pitiful and sad as that may sound, I don't give a fuck, thats how I feel. I haven't had a serious girlfriend since 8th grade. A couple of times I thought I could have had something beautiful, something tangible. I thought I had something with Sarah(only like 3 people know who she is), I thought I had something with Lauren, I thought I had something with Theresa. Hear me world, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of giving and not getting back, I'm tired of smiling through the pain. I'm just the blind man roaming the desert, trying to find his oasis. I'm tired of these blind tears that fall to dust.

I've been crying nonstop the past couple of days. Crying about Theresa. I should just let it go, but I can't. I can't get her off my mind. She doesn't care about me the way she thought she did so why should I still feel the way I do about her? Why should I care that she's beautiful, smart, and funny? Why can't I just let it go? I care thats why, I get attached easily, I know that. Too easily for some, I think this is the case. I can't help it, its who I am. So destined I am to walk among the dark, a child in keeping secrets from. So many words always left unsaid. Does saying the words ever make it change? Now, its too late and I'll never know. She told me to move on, so I will. Slowly will my heart unburrow from the sinking hole in my chest, strong feelings right there. Thats all I have to say, maybe I've said too much...maybe not enough. You be the judge.