Furless

April 24, 1987...an American Idiot is born. This is to kill the rumor that I was a ball of fur as a baby. As you can see...furless.

Anything Goes

Many of my friends know that I cannot stand musicals, in fact I really despise them. But, there is a always a few exceptions for every fault. There was a musical at school this week. Penn was trying its hand at Cole Porter's Anything Goes, and I have to say it was rather good. In fact, for being a guy that doesn't even care for musicals, I saw it twice. The more I look on it I'm not sure if it was worth seeing it twice, but I don't regret it. It was a sweet performance by all. I got a lot of paparazzi pictures with my camera, I think tomorrow...erm...later today I'll hit up the one hour photo and get those up and posted. I had a lot of people wondering if I was in the production some how, because I was dressed all shnazzy. I was like nope, I can't sing, and I don't play in the orchestra. It made me realize how cool it is to be on stage singing though, its pretty sweet. If I ever develop a half decent singing voice, I think I'd give it a shot.

To top that off I just came home from a wickedly sweet cast party. Thats the awesome thing about being friends with the right people and looking well dressed, you get invited to parties you're not suppose to be at. It happens to me all the time. I actually didnt do very much at this party. I just played guitar with Dan and some other guys for about an hour or so. Then we watched a little SNL. I played Dan in a game of pool and beat him, how I don't know. There was plenty of food, left over pizza, taco's, you know...food. Everyone was all dressed in casual wear and just chillin, I was in my nice shirt and pink tie. I kind of felt I just came out of the Mr. Brightside music video. I have a real fascination with that song...and I can't explain why. We finished off the night by listening to Modest Mouse, Coldplay, and Miles Davis. Bitchin times.

Yea so I guess Matt Wood and Dan are going to an Interpol concert in like a couple weeks, they asked me if I wanted to tag along. Now I'm goin to an Interpol concert. Hopefully it won't end up like the Ben Folds concert did, in which we didn't get any tickets. I'm psyched for it though, Interpol is a sweet band and tickets are only $25 so I can't lose.

Last night Dan, Ryan, and myself hit up Steak N' Shake. You know by now that its almost a weekly thing to do. There was a lot of Penn kids there, that just got back from the musical as well. But thats not what amazed me, what amazed me was all of the emo people that flooded into the place. Dan described it like the book Trainspotting, only it was Emospotting. I don't think I've ever seen so many guys wearin chick pants in my life. It was kind of creepy and kind of overwhelming at the same time. I think Dan got a glimpse of what emo really is, and compared to them hes not all that emo. I'm just using them as a frame of reference though.

Little random thought...I think I'm beginning to like a girl. I'm not going to say whom at the moment, some people might even be able to figure it out. She's hella cool and I think she's quite attractive. Yes I said hella cool. What of it bitches? But yea, if only I had the balls to say something about it...I'm sure I have them, I just need to find where I put them first.

One last thing I finally figured out how to put music into my blog. I had to go in and tinker around with the code on my template, but I finally discovered how to code it in there. Now this isn't anything I learned in Adon's programming class, oh no, this is code that I taught myself. It s amazing what you can do in this world if you know how to program the right things. Along with updating my posts from time to time, I will also update the music to represent whats happening with me. This weeks song is, of course, Anything Goes. Thats all for now, I'll post pictures tomorrow. Now I'm ungodly tired and I have to go to work in 6 hours. ugh...sigh...good times. Last one out...hit the lights.

The Greatest Glory Is Not In Never Falling, But In Rising Every Time You Fall

I am having trouble with a lot of things right now. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. I don't have to go to school tomorrow. I have been suspended for one day. Sure to a lot of people it may seem like a good thing, but its not. I've had a lot of time to sit and think about things I have accomplished, and things I have begun and still need to finish. I got suspended for having over excessive tardies at school. Many of my friends believe that I don't care and that I don't think its a big deal, when indeed its the exact opposite. I am mature enough to realize the magnitude of what I've done, or lack there of. I am also mature enough to accept the punishment for my actions and the repercussions that are to come with it. These past couple of days have opened my eyes to reality, they have opened up my eyes to happiness. In order to get what I want out of life, I need to begin embracing life. I neglect many problems with my life and let them drift away. Eventually though, I have come to learn that things that drift are never forgotten. I am human, I make mistakes. The question is how many mistakes and how many regrets can one make until they finally understand what they are doing wrong? I've made enough. I am beginning to sense a feeling of concern and anger from those I love. I realize that I don't always make the best decisions for myself, in fact I rarely put myself above others. My kindness is just an inner desire that makes me want to do good things even if I know I will not get anything in return. It is the joy of my life to do them. When I do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything I think, say, want, and do. As of late, putting others ahead of myself has caused me to lose track of what I want and what I need to do. There are many thoughts racing through my head, I am greatly perturbed and discombobulated by these thoughts. My parents are in the process of selling my car. This affects me because now I have no means of transporation. This is causing me to let Whitney down. She depends on me to give her a ride to school in the morning, to take her home. Now I cannot do this simple task. I don't know if it'll make her think any less of me that I can no longer do her this favor. I can only hope that it doesn't, I cherish my friendship with her greatly. I just don't want anything to lessen it. I don't really know what my friends make of all this. I can't imagine that they think anything of it, but I can only wonder. Lauren has showed me concern as well. She believes that I can't say no to anyone and that I let people walk on me. Maybe I do. Am I so blinded by my own kindness that I can't see when people are taking advantage of me? She said a lot of things to me that made sense and helped me see things in a clearer light. My mom has been there for me too. She is the one that is pushing forward to be the best that I can be, she is the one that wants me to be happy. I don't know where I would be without her. The last thing that has been troubling my mind is Caitlin. I care for her a lot, but I don't know how she feels about me. We got into an argument the other night about me letting her just relax on Valentine's Day. She didn't know that I was preparing a big surprise for her. She is just in being mad at me. I would be mad at me too. I am mad at me. I had no intention of making her feel as upset as she was. All I want is for her to be happy. I'm trying to do things for her to let her know that she's amazing and beautiful. It just kind of back fired in my face. Like I said I don't know how she feels about me, I don't know if she's mad. I want to make it up to her. I don't know how, if she lets me, it'll be something spectacular. Maybe I'm just trying too hard for someone who just doesn't feel the same way. I'm doing my best to understand everything. I just want her to realize that I care and if she ever needs anything I'm always here. I've said my peace for the night. Cleared my thoughts, though they are still cloudy. I've had time to think about life and what must be done. I've piled up enough tomorrows, and have found that I have collected a lot of empty yesterdays. I done with that, no more putting off what I feel, no more putting off what I need to do, no more putting off life. I'm beginning to see clearer, and I like what I see.

~Finding My Way~

I'm Never Alone, I'm Alone All The Time

I just want to start out by saying that its been a week since I've gotten my speeding ticket, and I still haven't called it in yet. The way I see it, I have 30 days that gives me till around March 10th or so to call. I'll just wait till then. Besides I'm really not in any hurry to spend $120 on something so stupid and pointless. I hate laws, only when I get caught breaking them.

I'm surprised that I haven't gotten in trouble for my involuntary act of vandalism at school. It was a total accident, in fact I shouldn't even get in trouble considering that I was the victim. It was Wednesday morning and Woody and I were just messin around by C door like we always do. Just a side note, I really do believe that he might be gay. If Woody's not gay, he just likes to hang on me a lot...yeesh. Anyway, we were wrestling around and somehow I tripped on his boot and we both fell backwards. I was in an awkward position, a kind of side russian leg sweep if you will. I fall i hear an enormous BOOM!!! I feel a massive jolt of pain just rush to my head. It hurt so bad. I started rubbing my head, and all I hear from Woody is "Holy Shit!!, Holy Shit!!" I turn my head in agony to see that the bottom glass pain of the window in the door is totally cracked. I mean it was like one of those massive shatter cracks you see in car accidents. One of those windshield explosions that you just know someone's head had crashed into it. This mark on the school was from my head. Woody thought I was dead. I layed on the ground for a good ten minutes, until we figured they would come looking on camera. We got the hell out of there and no one's heard a thing since. It was funny cause Dean Riggs and Dean Frang questioned us to see if we had any idea who did it. We have no idea at all, if they find out it was me, I'm just going to claim I can't remember. I could say I got a concusion and a mild case of amnesia. Sorry I'm Brandon, what's your name again? Where am I?

So Valentine's Day was on Monday. I was really excited because Caitlin was going to come over, Ian and Chelsea were invited too but I didn't think that was gonna happen. I was kind of bummed about that, Ian's one of my best friends. I want to hang out with Chelsea more too, she is so awesome and sweet. Anyway I was kind of pumped and excited to spend Valentine's Day with someone. I was gonna surprise her by making her dinner and buying her some roses. I get home and start cooking and I asked Caitlin if she was home from babysitting. I'm getting ready to pick her up and finish food at the same time. Then she asks me a favor, if we can do it some other time. ... ... ...Yea, no problem. We can do it later. I guess the surprise was on me, I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I talked to her for a little bit and wished her a happy Valentine's Day. I continued to make the meal, for no reason at all. There was no point in throwing away perfectly good food. I barely ate any of it. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want to eat any of the food that I had prepared for someone else. The only thing I could do was wrap it up and throw it in the frigde to get old. I took off my nice clothes and just kind of slumped onto my fouton. I popped Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind into my XBOX. I just needed to hear that opening line that Jim Carrey says. He says that it is nothing more than a Hallmark card holiday created to make guys like me feel like crap. The food is still in my fridge.

I'm just getting really tired of being alone. I want a girlfriend. All I see around me is hands being held, lips being kissed, feelings being shared. I want that. More than anything in the world right now, I want to have someone to hold and love. Its been 4 long years since I had a real steady girlfriend. I just wanted to say that I'm sick of being alone. Bush said it best in one of their lines from the song Glycerine. "I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time" I just want to find someone who shares my thoughts ans interests. Someone who appreciates who I am and the things I do. I'm tired of waiting. All I've done is give and give and give, I'm patiently awaiting my return. Its better to give than to receive though right? God knows I've given love, I just wish I could receive a little. I've said my peace. Poured some of my heart, I'm going to my restless slumber. Sweet dreams world.

Fuzz Buster

Had Saturday school this morning, it was for not going to Saturday school last week. I didn't know there even was Saturday school last week because of the ISSMA stuff they had going on. Obviously they did. I originally got Saturday school for being tardy to much. I mean give me a break, I've been on time to class everyday of my life except for this year. The way I see it, seniors should have the right to get to class a little late. Its only fair, but then again we do have to set an example for all the other students in school. It wasn't to much fun though. Waking up at 7 on a Saturday and going to sit in silence for 2 hours. I did get a lot of song writing done in there though. The more and more I think about things I really am starting to believe that Penn is really a prison instead of a school. Its really lame. I just don't want to go to that ever again, its oh so gay. Let that be a lesson to you, get to class on time.

After Saturday school I just kind of came home and chilled for a little bit. I made some tabs for the songs I wrote. I really didn't do much besides that. I'm in the process of downloading a lot of 80's songs so I can make a ton of mix CD's. Matt really seems to like all the CD's I make. People say I'm pretty good at making CD's. I don't think its a big deal, all I do is take songs I like and put them onto CD's for my own enjoyment. But whatever. I headed to the mall after that to go chill with the guys. I ran into Ben, he was getting a Valentines Day gift for Megan. I wish I had someone to get a Valentines Day gift for...anyway. While I was waiting for them to meet me at the food court I just looked around. I saw a lot of stuff in Hot Topic that I would like to buy. I love that store. On my way out, I think I saw Chelsea. I wasn't sure if it was her or not. Kind of random. I just like to mention my friends I saw. I'm pretty sure it was her, I don't know why I didn't go say hi. I wanted to, I just didn't. I didn't really have any reason to go to the mall. There's only one thing I really want to buy right now, its In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 by Coheed and Cambria. Jon has told me about them and I was checking them out on the internet. They're one of the most awesome bands I've heard. I didn't buy it, I came to the realization that he has it and I can just have him burn it for me. I'm cheap what can I say?

I went over to Dan's house to play some basketball. I stopped by Matt's on the way. I just thought I'd stop in and say hi to Lauren, Nancy, and Phil. I like never see them anymore, Nancy and Phil that is. I used to go over there like all the time, for no reason at all. I had a reason but...nevermind. Truth be known I miss being over there as much as I used to be. I just figured they get sick of me after a while, I only have so much charm. I had a nice visit with them though, just to spite everything I just said, I think I'm gonna stop by more often. I proceeded to Dan's house To go play some ball. We played a little Trivial Pursuit first. We were winning, as usual. Then I guess we just got tired of playing and decided to hoop it up. It was Matt and I 1 on 1 for a while. Then Ryan and Dan decided to come out and join us. I don't know what the hell got into me but I decided that it should be Ryan and I against Matt and Dan. It was a close game the whole time. We fouled like crazy, but it was all in good fun. We lost by 2 points.

Can't forget to mention that I went to go check out Dan's performance at Studio 315. I was going to go to Whitney's Jazz concert, but I never miss one of Dan's shows. He one of my best friends, gotta have some support for him right? I do feel bad about missing Whit's thing though, I did want to go. But, I told her what was up and she said it was cool. So...yea. It was a really groovy night though. Yea I said groovy. All the guys that played kicked so much ass. I was kind of disappointed, there wasn't a hell of a lot of people there. I just have to say that anyone who didn't go missed out on an awesome night of guitar playing. It was the shit.

Back to tonight, it finished off with a bang. We went to go play pool for a little bit, like we always do. We rack up a couple of games, have some fun, go home. I start driving down McKinley, The Ataris blaring in the car. I look up into my rear view mirror and see red flashing lights. Shit. The fuzz finally busted me. I didn't even notice him. I conveniently pulled over into the parking lot of that little waffle house right there. I rolled down my window and waited for the officer to come up. He gets out of his car and angerly tells us to put our hands up where he can see them. I thought Jesus, who'd we kill? The first thing he asked me is if I knew what a red light meant. I was kind of confused, I was pretty sure I didn't run any red light. I asked him if I did, and he meant the lights on his car. Oh. Actually no I didn't notice. I couldn't hear his sirens because the music was too loud...whoops. Long story short I got a speeding ticket for going 52 in a 35. Thats gonna hurt the insurance a little. I'm over it though. Just finished off the night by chillin at The Patterson residence, watchin Family Guy. Good times.

Well, now I have to try and get some rest for work tomorrow. I wasn't suppose to go in, but our Ben Folds/Ben Kweller tickets got sold out. That sucked. It would've been awesome to go check them out. I had a throw away camera ready and everything. Oh well. Shit happens. I think I'll leave ya with another little diddy I threw together. Its a song I wrote a while ago and finally finished all my Tabit stuff for it. Its one of my personal songs. I just thought I'd share it with ya'lls since its %110 done. Its called It Would Be Nice hope you like it. Word.

I turn around and you're standing there
With your beautiful eyes and soft blonde hair
Everywhere I go no matter what I do
You let me know I'll never have you

CHORUS
You're playing tricks with my heart
Pull me in real close then push me apart
Only if you knew and I said what was true
Would you still do the things you do
It would be nice
If you told me the truth
It would be nice

You acted like my girlfriend
So much can happen on a weekend
You curled up next to me to keep you warm at night
With you lying next to me everythings alright

CHORUS
Hold my hand then push me away
You only love me for today
Kiss my lips say it was nothing
When to me it meant everything
It would be nice
If we were together
It would be nice

I turn around and our eyes meet
And I don't know exactly what to think
Does she love me or have I been fooled?
Am I her dream or am I her tool?

CHORUS
Hold my hand then push me away
You only love me for today
Kiss my lips say it was nothing
When to me it meant everything
It would be nice
You're all thats on my mind
It would be nice
Always trying to fight
It would be nice

Sack Lunch Songs For The Victory

I've got a lot of things to talk about, some not as important as others, but still. First thing I'm thinkin about is our victory over Xavier in I-Ball yesterday. OWWW OWWW!!!! Pacific Tigers go 1-7 baby. Thats right, we may suck but we've got a W under our belts. It actually was a pretty good game. It was the first game that Dan has been able to show up for, and he made a huge contribution to our efforts. He just stuck under the glass and waited for the rebound or the ball to be fed to him. He done good. We beat them 11-10. I did feel a little guilty though, Lee didn't get to play at all. Its a double edged sword though. I feel bad that he didn't play, then again hes the weakest link on our team. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from being any B-ball wizard. I'm just saying I'm aggresive and have good defense. My offense is terrible, but Lee just...he's bad. There's not even any word to describe it. None the less, he didn't have a problem with it. That was cool. Dan, Matt, and I went to Taco Bell afterward to get a victory Taco. Saw Craig and Matt B. there. They were getting ready to go to their bowling league thing. It was a good victory dinner. I think we've got a little motivation and strive to win now. Its a nice feeling.

Whitney called me last night, I almost started laughing on the phone cause she asked me if I was asleep. HA!! She called at like 10:30 to ask me if I could pick her up early, I was like no problem. I noticed that she was crying. I could hear her being upset over the phone, you know what I mean. I asked her what was wrong and I guess she just had a little confusing/frustrating conversation with her boyfriend. I guess hes been talking to some other girl about troubles in his life that he hasn't told Whitney about. I don't blame her, I'd be kind of upset to. If I've been going out with someone for like 6 months and they're telling some random person things they can't tell me, I'd be upset. I just told her to calm down and everything will be alright. Just talk to him about it and tell him how you feel, etc, etc...I don't know if I helped any, but I tried.

Today turned out to be a pretty crazy go nuts day. Got up this morning and my car wouldn't start. I was already running late so I called Whitney and told her to bring her car over so we could get to school. It was a little different having her drive and me in the passenger seat. At least it wasn't awkward. She needed to go talk to her boyfriend so she had me park the Jeep. I have to say, I liked the feel of it. If I could I might like to buy that from her. I looked pretty good driving it. I'm a pretty big guy, like a freakin bear!! I need a big(ger) vehicle. So yea...besides that it was a pretty normal day. Had a senior class meeting during homeroom which was lame. I made a once in a life time move when I showed up at the lunch table with a sack lunch. Everyone stopped and looked at me like hell had frozen over. I was like....what up? Ah the blank stares of awe and shock in the eyes of my friends, all because I ate lunch. Who'd of thought? I also bought some roses at lunch. You know with Valentine's Day comin up and all. I decided to make the best of it and just buy a lot of them and send them out, spread the love. I didn't know where any of their 1st hour blocks were though. So I had to go to Guidance and find all their personal info, I felt like I was invading so many peoples privacy, thats alright though it was for a good cause. Then I found out that they are being handed out tomorrow so I had to hand deliver all my notes to Mr. Smith. Jeez. All that work just to get some love spread throughout the land. Its all worth it, I just hope everyone appreciates the roses.

I'm kind of pumped for the Ben Folds/Ben Kweller concert this weekend. I'm really lookin forward to it. I do have to find someone to cover at work for me though. Shoup was gonna help me and see if he could get someone. If not, I've got a feeling that I'm gonna be in for some major verbal repremandments when I get back. Lookin forward to it. w()()t...

I wrote some more pointless songs that really aren't about anything in particular. I do think they're very catchy though. If you heard the actually music for them I think a lot of people would think the same thing. I think I'll post a couple pf them on here for the crowd. Whether you like it or not...the first song is called Arson and the second is called Pizza Pie. Enjoy, later ya'llz

The darkest of rooms
Lit up in a blaze
The end of days
A smoked filled maze
With no escape

CHORUS
We're burning down the house tonight
Doing wrong never felt this right
My only desire is to light it on fire
And watch the world crumble
As the ashes pile higher

Its happening now
The building is falling down
Onto the ground
They crowd around
And hear the sound

Of glass that is breaking
And walls that are shaking
And paint that is peeling
And tires are squealing
As we flee the scene
The crime of the century

CHORUS
We're burning down the house tonight
Doing wrong never felt this right
My only desire is to light it on fire
And watch the world crumble
As the ashes pile higher

It had to be this way
I couldn't take one more day
It stayed standing up
Standing up
Standing up

CHORUS
We're burning down the house tonight
Doing wrong never felt this right
My only desire is to light it on fire
And watch the world crumble
As the ashes pile higher
((Burn down) Echoes during last chorus)

You weren't home no you weren't home
I called up your mom she said you were in Rome
So I flew out to Italy
And got lost in Sicily
Where I bought you a Pizza Pie

But you weren't in Rome I guess I should've known
Once again I got your mom on the phone
She said that you called her from the Straight of Gibraltar
And told her that you were fine

I'm sorry
I was hungry
And I didn't
Have no money
So I ate a slice...

You weren't home no you weren't home
Your mom said you just flew into Chicago
So I went out to JFK
And transferred to LBJ
Which is only a mile away

I sat down on the airport bench
Next to Gate 208
So I took out another slice
And cleaned off my plate

My flight was delayed, pushed back a few days
But thats what you get for taking Southwest Airways
By the time that I got there
I had spent all my cab fare
So I had to hitch a ride

But the driver was famished with only a sandwich
He must have weighed 400 pounds
He saw the pizza pie and gave me the evil eye
Said if I didn't give him some I'd die

The knife came out of his pocket
And he pointed it at my eye socket
But I wasn't about to give up...
Oh yes I was

All your pizza's gone I'm sorry
Would you settle for a calzone or cannoli?
I'll pick you some flowers, we'll watch Austin Powers
And everything will be cool.

Dork

This really isn't an important post at all. I wrote a funny song today and I thought I'd just post it for the fun of it. Its not a serious song, I just had some fun with the lyrics. Its not about anyone in particular. Its just an overall general feeling I get when I picture some people.

Hes a dork
Hes trying to fit in
Hes going for the win
Hes trying to be cool
Join in the football pool
But he doesn't really even have a clue
Who won the Superbowl since 1992
Well everybody knows someone whose just like him
The kind of guy who's 10 feet short of touching rim

CHORUS
Hey you
You'd make the worst Halloween costume
The witches
Would turn around and hit you with their brooms
You think you're tough and you've got all the right stuff
But everyone can beat you up
No one will ever say wassup to you

There's no way that he ever had a chance
Of getting with that girl that's on exchange from France
Well everyone can be someone with a bit of luck
Except this kid will spend his life at just a buck

CHORUS
Hey you
You'd make the worst Halloween costume
The witches
Would turn around and hit you with their brooms
You think you're tough and you've got all the right stuff
But everyone can beat you up
No one will ever say wassup to you

One, Two
The sound of toilet paper on your roof
The muslims would turn around and hit you with their shoes
You think you're tough and you've got all the right stuff
But everyone can beat you up
No one will ever say whassup to you

CHORUS
Hey you
You'd make the worst Halloween costume
The witches
Would turn around and hit you with their brooms
You think you're tough and you've got all the right stuff
But everyone can beat you up
No one will ever say wassup to you

One, Two
The sound of toilet paper on your roof
The muslims would turn around and hit you with their shoes
You think you're tough and you've got all the right stuff
But everyone can beat you up
No one will ever give a fuck about you

Bloody Sunday

I would start out by saying that I woke up this morning, but I just kind of layed in bed for hours. I eventually rolled out of bed and got ready for work. I didn't have to be there until 10 but I got there at 9:30. It was a really dull day. Had some laughs with Shoup and Andy like we always do. Its really starting to suck because I'm not working at all. When I started I Le Peep I knew that I would only be working two days a week. But now, they have only been scheduling me to work on Sundays. I don't think a bi-weekly check of $50 is gonna cut it. I've got to find a new job.

I won't be able to work next week because of the Ben Kweller/Ben Folds concert we're going to. Thats alright though, I'd rather go to a concert than work. I think its gonna be a pretty entertaining time. Plus, you've got all of the things you have to factor in. The drive up down there, the concert itself, the hotel room, and the drive back home. Its gonna be like D.C. all over again. I don't know if Dan's gonna stay in the hotel room with us though. He might bum the night in George's dorm at Purdue. This is one of those times where I need to bring a camera. I think form now on I'm just going to bring a camera with me everywhere I go. I'll be like Dave Attell and just take pictures of random stuff.

The doctors still aren't sure whats wrong with my mom. I'm sorry, but in this day and age of technology someone should have at least a guess as to whats wrong with her. Its bullshit. Just because doctors are too god damn lazy to actually do anything on the weekends. Heaven forbid that they might actually save someones life on a weekend if it came down to it. What pisses me off even more is they get paid to just loaf around on the weekends. Don't get me wrong I know they work hard and stuff, but why should they just putz out on the off days. Seriously. Shes going to see a neurologist tomorrow. Shes been having a lot of seizures latey. They're not the normal kind either. They're more...violent...painful. Hopefully the only thing wrong with her is just a pinched nerve or something along those lines. Shes at a stable condition right now. I'm in a state of relaxation. For now.

I tinkered around on my guitar today and on Tabit. I've been writing a lot of songs lately. I'm weird like that. I can play guitar and bass pretty good, but I'm a lot better at hearing things in my head. don't want to sound like a nutcase or anything, but I hear music in my head all the time. Its a lot of made up things too. Lyrics, bass lines, guitar riffs, drum beats, all of it. Thats why I love Tabit. I hear something and I can comprehend it into being. I'm glad that I'm enough of a nerd to know how to write music with a computer program, yet still be able to actually play some of it. The only problem is that I want to show some people my songs, but the only way I can show them is if I either install it on their computer or they come over to my house and listen. No one ever comes over to my house though...kind of sad.

Went to Ryan's house tonight to check out the Super Bowl. At work I was talkin with the guys about how it was going to be a suck ass game. The Eagles blow for one, and two The Patriots win too much. They're like the Lakers of football. Just dominate everything and let no one else have the glory. Thats what the games about though right, being the best. You can't hate someone for being good at what they do. I have to say though, for not liking either team it was a very good game. I was just looking forward to the preview episode of American Dad afterwards. Its the new cartoon by Seth McFarlane, creator of Family Guy. Which is on as we speak. I'm going to go check it out and post a poem or song or something along those lines. Wee Woo.

A Mess To Call My Own

I'm beginning to look like I've been fighting with someone. The dark shades of sleepless nights loom under my eyes. The constant throbbing of life pounding in my head. The bottomless void that fills my soul echoes louder than ever. I used to get knocked on my ass and spring back up. Now, I've found an opponent worthy enough to knock me down and keep me there. He's backed me into a corner and not letting me escape. Giving me just enough time to catch my breath before he swings again. Another hook to the stomach to knock it all back out. Jab to the chest to delay my heartbeat. Waits till I look up, with an evil smirk, uppercut right in the face. Back down on my ass. Looking up to see no opponent there. Using the ropes to hoist myself up to the realization that...I need to quit kicking my own ass. As of late especially. Worried sick about my mom. She had another seizure today. You can almost time it now. What started out as something that I never wanted to see again, now happens everyday. I'm the only one that has seen it happen. Its the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed in my life. I can't imagine the amount of pain and torture that she is going through right now. Its killing me. I'm making it kill me. Just thinking about it all day at school gets me lost in my own mind. I hear nothing,I see darkness, speak nothing but short blurts of nonsense. I don't remember the last time I cried. Not since yesterday. All the hatred, loneliness, sadness just all culminated in my head and I lost it. I broke down. I had no shame in crying either. No one should ever have any shame in crying for someone they love. The anger comes in the form of my dad mostly. He can never be happy, he always has to be bitching about something or yelling at someone. I got into a huge yelling match with him because he was arguing with my mom. I told him to stop and to get his head out of his ass. My mom isn't well at all, and he treats it as if its no thing. He is the most self centered, non caring person I have ever witnessed. I've seriously devoted my life to being the exact opposite of that man. I look like an exact clone, but trust me we are nothing alike. Hes always harping my my ass to get a new job and get a life. I'm worthless. I don't listen to him. I don't listen to blatant lies that are being yelled straight into my face. I've just learned to ignore him and that his calling in life is to be the world's foremost expertise in assholism. My love life is another thing. I have no idea what the hell is going, I wish someone would inform me. Dan posted me a comment not to worry about Valentine's Day. Maybe he's right. Just all stress, thats all it ever is. Not to mention the 3 nights of sleep I've missed out on. Caitlin gave me this stuffed green monkey with a heart and a kiss on the cheek. She made a note that said " Hang in there Brandon <3 Caitlin" That monkey has been my best friend for the past couple of days (not to mention its my favorite color). It meant a lot to me.Just the fact of knowing that if anything goes wrong she'll be there for me, she'll listen to me. Thats really comforting. I did get a good little relief today though. Jonny C wants me to go with him, A Wood, Larry, and Matt Franks to Myrtle Beach on Spring Break. Finally the vacation I've been waiting for. Its going to be one of the funniest ass weeks of my life. The pictures will be questionable though. Trust me on that one. Thats not for a while though. Right now I just need to focus on school and getting my mom back to normal. In a world full of chaos I just ask that anyone who reads this, squeeze in a little prayer for my mom. She needs any praise that she can get right now. I know I have been on my knees every night. Praying to God to leave her be, shes not ready to go, not yet. Alright, I hear the bell ringing, time for me to go round 2 against myself. All this stress has created nothing but a massive mess of torn emotions. A mess I can only share with myself...a mess to call my own.